Life Sucks, and then You Die

The title of this post is basically the new philosophy I have adopted. My life recently has been nothing but stress, stress, stress, and college isn't even a big part of it. I'm mostly stressing because I don't know what to do with my life. I have no passions, no interests or hobbies that can be made into worthwhile careers, no talents, and no marketable skills. Believe me, that is not even my usual negativity talking.

I love to rant and vent and beg people for help, yet whenever they offer me a suggestion, I push them away and list off reasons why I can't do it. Even though I'm aware of this, I can't stop. I feel like a one-person pity party. It's true, I tend to complain a lot and to anyone I'm comfortable around who will listen for a while... and yet, the only thing I accomplish from that is more stress, confusion, and tears.

Even if someone could answer all of my problems, cure cancer and create world peace, I'd probably argue with them and fight them on it because I'm so negative. I know I should try and be positive; I know that's an absolute must if I'm going to be happy, which is my only goal. But I can't do it. The world sucks, life is crappy, people screw you over, and then you die. People are seriously surprised when they find out how truly pessimistic I am. I don't really show it much because I'm extremely bad at expressing my emotions unless I'm having a breakdown or something and it all just spills out. But this is 100% how I feel. To anyone completely appalled by this discover: don't freak out. I'm not going to ever kill myself or anything. Hell, my favorite pick-me-up is, "Well, no matter how badly I screw this up, at least I'll be alive."

Anyways, back to the point. What, what, what am I going to do? Five years of thinking, taking every quiz on the internet, and researching every possible option on every list has gotten me nowhere. I don't understand the people who just know what they want to do. Those people who say "I want to be a doctor!" in 8th grade. I just don't get it. Why? How? 

Another problem is that I'm slightly limited. Not much, but slightly. I'm not going past my bachelor's. While it wold be totally cool to get a Master's or even a Doctorate, I'm too lazy, and also, I don't have enough money for that. I'm getting almost all of my college education paid for by my grandfather. It's about $20k, which will cover both years at GCC in almost $5k for the two years as a whole and then nearly all of ASU. So whatever I pick, I need to be able to do with a basic degree.

But what do I want? What do I like? Almost all of my friends... no, actually, all of my closest friends have told me that I should be an author. While that does sound like a dream job, that's just it... a dream job. Would I really even be able to make it with all that competition among aspiring, up-and-coming, and already established authors? Would I really even be able to come up with good plotlines and solid characters worthy of a bookstore's shelf? Do I even want this? Would it make me happy? I don't know the answers to any of those questions. That's why I don't consider it. Hell, I don't consider anything. I hate everything.

I'm so tired that standing up takes all of the energy out of me. I can't take a nap; it's 3 hours until I need to go to bed, which means there's no point, and I shouldn't waste time I could be working on homework due next week... even if I know I'm not going to do any of it tonight. I've been snappy and cranky all day and have ranted to multiple people about this whole career issue. And now I'm doing it on my blog because, why not? It actually feels good to vent on here, even if no one reads it. At least I'll be able to look back on it and try and organize my thoughts and feelings. But, honestly... I just don't know anymore.

A Day Away

I have had a rather productive weekend so far. I did the reading I need to do for math, and I brainstormed ideas for my upcoming English research paper. I even knocked out about half of the reading I need to do for psychology, which I think I'll be able to finish tomorrow. Now all I need to do is finish the reading, finish my psychology homework and do my mini-project for psychology that's due Thursday... not that it's going to be hard at all! I'm proud of myself for staying on top of all my work and even getting things done early instead of at the last minute.

I would have posted about that yesterday (and in greater detail) but I had a bit of a... problem. It hit me hard that almost all of my friends were physically gone--moved out of town for college. They're all pretty close friends who I hung out with the most outside of school. That, on top of stressing out about what I'm going to do with my life lead me to have somewhat of an emotional breakdown. Long story short, after texting mom for a while (I didn't want to bother anyone else and ruin their day with my ranting) I drove to her house, where I ended up staying the night after watching the new episode of Project Runway again. I feel a lot better now and spent all day here as well. I sat with my mom in her office and worked on my assignments and other homework. It was a fun first Saturday of college, and very productive. I hope it remains that way.

This netbook is actually really helpful. I treat my computer as my gaming and goofing off computer, since it's my personal PC at home. I do all my homework via the netbook, even if I'm at home. Sometimes I even have them going at the same time because it's useful. And of course, I can take it with me when I go to my mom's house (which is where I'm still at right now) and have my own computer access... which pretty much just leaves me with Facebook since there's not much else I do on the internet besides check a few websites. I listened to music with it today, too, since I wanted to check out some new stuff that's not on my iPod.

It's nice to blog from the couch. They're watching Julie & Julia, which I've never seen and it's almost over. Me and mom just got home so I'd rather sit here with them and make my blog post than be confused and pay attention to it. Kate doesn't want to spend the night (she's over here too), so we're probably going to go home in a couple hours. It's been a great weekend so far, getting to hang out with my mom. even just being in the same room as her while we're both working in silence is comforting. Kate was upset when I came here last night without telling her, but I was really upset and didn't want her to come. I didn't even tell dad where I was until an hour after I'd gotten to mom's house. He wasn't home, though, so it's not like it mattered. He was mad for a little bit because I had left Kate home alone. But I'm not her damn baby sitter! She's 15 and knows how to stay home alone and can take care of herself. If she can't be home alone, then I'm her babysitter, and babysitters get paid. That finally shut him up about it. 

I had a few funny moments today. Norman messing with my face when he woke up for work at 2 in the morning and I was sleeping on the couch, spilling coffee all over everything this morning, watching videos with mom... It was fun.

Parking Hell

The only thing I hate about getting to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays are how busy the parking lot is when I arrive. I made sure to leave an hour early, just like last time. I managed to squeeze in the very back of the parking lot, like last time. It was filling up fast. Also, people are idiots. Just for the record.

However, I do enjoy the extra time I have in the morning. I woke up and did my English homework. I was the second one to turn it in. The person who submitted theirs before me was very illiterate. In fact, 90% of everyone who turned in their homework so far can't even make a functioning paragraph. What was the homework? A 250 word response to a 10 page article on cluttered writing. My response ended up being 370 words. I wasn't paying attention to the word count; I was just trying to say what I wanted to say. I was horrified when I submitted it and realized that I had repeated myself in one part, but (not trying to be arrogant) compared to what everyone else has dared to turn in as our first college English assignment... I'm feeling pretty good about it. I'll share it, just for fun. And I'll highlight that mistake I just mentioned for fun. Also, I accidentally said "informal" instead of "formal." Whatever.

" I agree that writing today (especially in the media) tends to be cluttered and more complex than necessary. The more I read, the more I became conscious of my own writing. Making my writing less cluttered and more simple will be a challenge, but Zinsser's many examples of confusing writing and communication in today's society has at least opened my eyes to the matter. It is obnoxious that writing today contains so many useless hedges, and it's unfortunate that I, along with so many others, don't know how to break the habit. 

 Despite that, however, I do not agree that every sentence must be stripped to its simplest form. While they should remain simple enough to understand without much effort, I see no problem with using more advanced synonyms and adjectives as long as they are used properly, and as long as the writer knows how to use the words correctly. 

 I believe that the reason writing today is so cluttered is because writers think it makes them sound more intelligent. They want to come off as important and knowledgeable to the average reader, so the reader will trust what they're talking about for no better reason than it sounds fancy. As long as it sounds informal, writers tend to think that nothing else matters.

 I agree that style is hard to find. I'm not even sure what my style is, and hope that it comes to me naturally and in a way that is recognizable. It would be more challenging to find my style with completely simplified sentences, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. 

 Honestly, I was relieved when I was told that this response would be written in first person. It's the easiest way for me to write, even though it was discouraged all through elementary and high school. I actually feel most comfortable when I get to write about my opinions. I found it so difficult in elementary and high school to rewrite an entire paper just because I used the words "I" or "my." I enjoyed reading Zinsser's opinion on using first person.

 Overall, I found the excerpts interesting and educational. It's definitely something to consider while writing essays throughout the rest of my college career. "

I wanted to die when I first saw my mistake, but I don't even care anymore. 

I got a netbook yesterday and did one of my psychology assignments during my break. And then math happened. Again, my class was being immature and talking while he was teaching and just being rude. I almost snapped at them because they were distracting me. I feel like I'm the only one in that class who wants to learn. We got out about 5 minutes early because we finished today's lesson. Because of the power outage yesterday, our quiz this week is a take home quiz... and not even due until Tuesday! Awesome! I'll do it tomorrow or this weekend. Psychology has some homework and some reading, but it will be more time consuming than difficult. The homework isn't due until Tuesday, but I'm going to do it earlier. We also have a "project" due Thursday, but it's super easy. Much better than what I was expecting. I'll be happy to do it.

The new Project Runway comes on tonight. Hopefully I'm not too tired to watch it! Well, that's really all that's gone on with me today... in general I'm just tired. I'm not behind in college yet, so that's good. I can't wait for tomorrow to be over! This week has been the longest week of my life. I can't wait to sleep in and wake up and not have to go anywhere.

I'm still being hassled by people to join a club or make friends or something. And, like before, I still don't want to. After class every day I'm going to go home and do nothing on the computer until I die. 

Evacuation

It was really rainy and stormy last night. I didn't know how to turn my windshield wipers today if I needed them. Dad woke up really early this morning and got them fixed (apparently they were broken) and was back right when I woke up. He showed me how to use them. Luckily, I didn't need them. I went to school. Again, parking was great in the morning.

I actually enjoyed English today. We read an article on why people in my generation (18-24) not only hate reading, but love to express how much they hate it. Then we had a discussion about why that is. I actually added in my opinion, and while Mr. Spivey totally agreed, it wasn't the answer. I said that people don't like it because they're told what to read. Like I say, if you don't like to read, you just haven't found the right book. Although it is important to read great works of literature like The Great Gatsby and all that, it's not our choice. And because we have to read these things against our free will, most kids come out not liking it. However, even though Mr. Spivey agreed, it wasn't the right answer because it doesn't apply to nonfiction. Why doesn't hardly anyone read nonfiction? They can read on any single subject that interests them. Do you like cars? Read a nonfiction book about cars. It was something to think about. No one could figure out why. He didn't really tell us, either. We have a homework assignment today that I'm actually not annoyed with. We have to read a 10 page article about writing well and then write a 250 word response about what we think. That's my favorite part of writing--including my own opinion. It's the easiest thing to talk about. And, of course, easiest to BS if necessary. And 250 words is just a good paragraph, so it's not a lot. I read the first 3 pages of the article in class, but then class ended, so I'll finish that up later today or tomorrow morning.

I spent my hourlong break after that in the back of the SU away from where all the socializing happens. I didn't really want anyone to come talk to me today. I ate a snack and read another chapter of The Silent Blade (again, all I had time to read without being interrupted in the middle of the next chapter which I didn't want to happen). Then I went to CPD. We went over the syllabus and then played "Person Bingo" or something like that. It's bingo, but basically it's got things like "has green eyes" and "is an only child" instead of numbers, and you go around and get people to sign off on yours for everything that they are. I'm getting 3 credits for this class? Okay, yay.

Then I went to hang out with mom again during my 3 hour break. We talked, went to the bank, and then got some food and watched TV at her house before I left. Not even 10 minutes after getting in the SU, a cop comes in. I can't hear him, but he was basically telling everyone to get out. So I did. I decided, since math was going to start soon, that I'd just wait outside the classroom. But as soon as I got there, everyone was evacuating the building. So I followed them and asked around, and then heard another student shout for everyone nearby to hear, "Campus is closed." I walked to the parking lot with some guy as we discussed what was happening. Hooray, no math today! That's great!

Tomorrow is psychology and math. I'll have to leave an hour early again (assuming campus is re-open by then, which it should be). I want to make sure I have time to find a parking spot again before class starts. 

Moron Madness

Even though my first class today didn't start until 11:30, I woke up at 7:00. Went on the computer, vacuumed, and did nothing of importance. I was bored, so at 10:30 I decided I would leave (I hadn't planned on leaving for about another 15-20 minutes). I'm really glad I left that early. I'll have to remember to do that every Tuesday and Thursday. The parking lot around 11:00 is just terrible. I drove around it for 20 minutes looking for a spot, any spot. Finally, I found someone walking to their car, so I blocked everyone's way waiting for them to pull out so I could take their spot. And that spot was in the very, very back of the parking lot. It took almost 10 minutes alone to walk to class from that spot.

Psychology seems like it's going to be a pretty fun class... it's my longest class this whole semester. All of my other classes are only 50 minutes long, while Psychology is an hour and 15 minutes long. Still shorter than a Centennial class. Not that I care. Anyways, the teacher there is Dr. Schimanski. This is her first year teaching at GCC. Before that she did some stuff at U of A. She's Canadian. And luckily, she's friendly. All of our homework assignments are going to be online. We have 15 assignments due every Tuesday, and she drops our lowest 2 scores every week for those. Technically, we could just do 13 and leave 2 harder ones out, but she said she'll sometime give extra credit for doing all 15. No homework today, though; the real stuff doesn't start until Thursday.

I read a chapter of The Silent Blade and listened to my iPod in the SU for the hour between classes. Then I went to math. I was getting really irritated in there by the other students. Almost all of them are taking this math class as their first college math course. Most new freshman place into 120. I took 092 over the summer, so I've taken a math class at GCC before. And I have the maturity level to be in class. However, the other students were all giggling and acting stupid like they were high school freshman, not college. Dr. K was giving us a review of lines and the slope forms and all. What he was doing was explaining how we get the equations that we use (point-slope and slop-intercept). This girl kept complaining rather rudely that she didn't understand and Dr. K would go over it again and again trying to explain it to her, all the while never losing his temper or getting irritated. But the class kept being very rude, whispering during class, and complaining to each other that they didn't understand. Sure, it was a little confusing, but in the end we got what we needed: formulas to remember if we didn't know them already. Everyone was complaining that he was going "backwards" and this one same girl even kept trying to correct his math, even though he was doing it right. It just really irritates me. We're all adults now, and they still can't even act like it. They'd better not be so rude tomorrow. We didn't finish our whole paper today, because he kept having to go over crap. If the class can't shut the hell up so we can work, how are we going to know all we need to know for our quiz on Friday? And quizzes make up 50% of our grade! I just really don't like how people act in that class.

Like yesterday, parking was cleared out by the time I left. Of course, I had to make the trek into the abyss for my truck. I had a little fight with Kate because I kept calling her and she never answered. I was going to ask when she wanted me to pick her up from her club. As soon as I get in the house, take my shoes off, and get comfortable, she had the audacity to text: "Pick me up." I got so pissed off. How dare she ignore my calls, not call back, and then text me a demand like that? I bitched her out and when we got home I made her make me food, though, so it's all better.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, so the long day again... English, CPD, and of course, math. I don't want to go to English at all... ugh. Hopefully I can try and think more positively about it.