The title of this post is basically the new philosophy I have adopted. My life recently has been nothing but stress, stress, stress, and college isn't even a big part of it. I'm mostly stressing because I don't know what to do with my life. I have no passions, no interests or hobbies that can be made into worthwhile careers, no talents, and no marketable skills. Believe me, that is not even my usual negativity talking.
I love to rant and vent and beg people for help, yet whenever they offer me a suggestion, I push them away and list off reasons why I can't do it. Even though I'm aware of this, I can't stop. I feel like a one-person pity party. It's true, I tend to complain a lot and to anyone I'm comfortable around who will listen for a while... and yet, the only thing I accomplish from that is more stress, confusion, and tears.
Even if someone could answer all of my problems, cure cancer and create world peace, I'd probably argue with them and fight them on it because I'm so negative. I know I should try and be positive; I know that's an absolute must if I'm going to be happy, which is my only goal. But I can't do it. The world sucks, life is crappy, people screw you over, and then you die. People are seriously surprised when they find out how truly pessimistic I am. I don't really show it much because I'm extremely bad at expressing my emotions unless I'm having a breakdown or something and it all just spills out. But this is 100% how I feel. To anyone completely appalled by this discover: don't freak out. I'm not going to ever kill myself or anything. Hell, my favorite pick-me-up is, "Well, no matter how badly I screw this up, at least I'll be alive."
Anyways, back to the point. What, what, what am I going to do? Five years of thinking, taking every quiz on the internet, and researching every possible option on every list has gotten me nowhere. I don't understand the people who just know what they want to do. Those people who say "I want to be a doctor!" in 8th grade. I just don't get it. Why? How?
Another problem is that I'm slightly limited. Not much, but slightly. I'm not going past my bachelor's. While it wold be totally cool to get a Master's or even a Doctorate, I'm too lazy, and also, I don't have enough money for that. I'm getting almost all of my college education paid for by my grandfather. It's about $20k, which will cover both years at GCC in almost $5k for the two years as a whole and then nearly all of ASU. So whatever I pick, I need to be able to do with a basic degree.
But what do I want? What do I like? Almost all of my friends... no, actually, all of my closest friends have told me that I should be an author. While that does sound like a dream job, that's just it... a dream job. Would I really even be able to make it with all that competition among aspiring, up-and-coming, and already established authors? Would I really even be able to come up with good plotlines and solid characters worthy of a bookstore's shelf? Do I even want this? Would it make me happy? I don't know the answers to any of those questions. That's why I don't consider it. Hell, I don't consider anything. I hate everything.
I'm so tired that standing up takes all of the energy out of me. I can't take a nap; it's 3 hours until I need to go to bed, which means there's no point, and I shouldn't waste time I could be working on homework due next week... even if I know I'm not going to do any of it tonight. I've been snappy and cranky all day and have ranted to multiple people about this whole career issue. And now I'm doing it on my blog because, why not? It actually feels good to vent on here, even if no one reads it. At least I'll be able to look back on it and try and organize my thoughts and feelings. But, honestly... I just don't know anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment