Burned Out

Code Geass/My Little Pony crossover! Go Fluttershy! Anyways, today was a long day. In English, one of the librarians came to class and taught us how to use their website. They then showed us a bunch of really helpful sources and tools we can use when we start looking up stuff for our research papers. I still didn't have one picked out, and I've been killing myself over it. However, I think I've found one I'm finally going to stick with: gun use/concealed weapons on college campuses. I don't know what side I support. I'll probably support whatever side I feel has better evidence, whether I agree with it personally or not. It doesn't matter if I agree. I can write a paper supporting with something I don't believe. If nothing else, it will show that to Spivey. I'm pretty much going to pick the side that uses the most logos and ethos. Spivey has told us before that he hates pathos, so I will avoid it at all costs. This paper is all we're going to do for the rest of the semester. We don't have a final in their. The paper is our final. As long as I get a C or better on this paper, I will pass the class, with at least a B. I do hope to score an A, but I'm not very confident in myself, despite the fact my last two essays got a 98% and a 99%. In fact, I'm never really confident in my writing ability at all... But I look at the essays that I hung on my wall, and I at least have some hope. I just have to try... but I'm so exhausted.

I spent almost 5 hours today working on psychology homework alone. It took forever. Longer than usual. I don't know why. I did really bad on the homework. 32/34. It may seem pretty good, but that's a low A. Well, I guess it's not terrible... but I usually do so much better than that when it comes to psychology! Our next exam will be Thursday. I'm almost done with the study guides. I've been spacing them out. I only have one more chunk to do, which I will do tomorrow after class... I can't really do it before the next lecture, anyways! We haven't covered it in class yet. (Even though I read about the whole chapter in my book already, since the homework is due tomorrow.) 

In math, we're learning about how to complete a square now. I understand it a bit... up until a certain point. Then I get lost. But I will practice. I want to do well the rest of the semester. I want to be DONE with this class! As far as I know, I still have an 88% in there. However, I suspect I did extremely well on that take-home quiz that I did on Friday in class. He literally handed us the paper and said, "You can stay and work on this, or you can go home and turn it in on Wednesday." I wasn't having really any trouble with imaginary numbers, so I was one of maybe four people who stayed and did it. We worked separately, in silence. I finished it and, feeling confident, decided to turn it in without taking it home to have anyone look over it. He briefly glanced over it and said "Good." I seriously feel great about that take-home quiz. Possibly a 100%... but probably not. However, definitely an  A or high B. Maybe it'll even boost my grade to an A? I'm not expecting it, and I won't be disappointing if it doesn't, but it would make me extremely happy. I haven't had a full semester at GCC before this one, but every individual class I've taken, I've gotten an A in. I'd like to keep up the trend as long as I can, if possible! Especially since I KNOW that I have As in all of my other classes right now.

It's kind of lame that I only talk about school... but that's all that happens in my life! I'm so exhausted from working on schoolwork all day. Tomorrow I want to practice math, finish my psychology study guides, and start finding some sources for my English essay. Our annotated bibliography and prospectus for it are due in one week. It's so stupid that we have to do some research before he even approves our topics! At least I'm feeling a bit better about where I am now that I think I have a more solid topic... 

I wonder what everyone's doing for Halloween. I won't be doing anything. I know a lot of people are probably going to parties. We all know I'm too introverted to be comfortable there. (Plus, whose party would I even go to?) Already said I'm not trick or treating (again--who would I even go with?) and that I will not pass out candy. I guess I'll just be sitting at home, blogging about the horrors of school.

I'm So Done

School will be the death of me. Especially English. I don't really want to talk about school, so I'm just going to summarize all I need to say about it. 1. Big essay-related stuff coming up in English; I still need a firm topic. 2. Presented our group projects in CPD on Friday; it went well. 3. Lots of psychology study guides. 4. Got a take-home quiz in math. Dr. K said we could leave or stay and work on it. I stayed. Finished it. Turned it in. I think I did really good.

For some reason, today doesn't  feel real. I don't mean, "Today's so awesome it can't be true!" I just feel foggy and tired. I was really excited for Halloween all this month, and now I just don't care anymore. It's just a day. Children will be trick or treating, others will be passing out candy or partying or something. I will sit at home on the computer and won't be able to do anything fun because of stupid little kids being outside. September was an incredibly fast month. This month is just slow and will not end. I can't wait for this semester to just be over with... but at the same time, I don't want it to. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT enjoying it in the least. I don't want it to go by faster simply because of my stupid final English research paper. It's going to be like writing the senior paper all over again, except this time, the topic won't even be interesting to me. 

I'm so tired. I'm so done. I wish quitting school was a logical option. I wish I could spend my life doing the things I like to do, and not slaving away at school and, eventually, work. I wish I could spend any money I get on things I want to have, and not bills and taxes and over stupid crap. I don't care if everyone else has accepted that that's the way things are. Am I them? No. So don't try and drill that into the damn brain! I'm allowed to think what I want and have my own opinions. Other people judge too much. And you know what? It's time for me to start getting defensive.

I am so done with people. I hate all of them. They suck. They're either rude, part of a bad crowd, uninteresting, stupid, or someone I personally despise. And then, of course, there are some friends, a few people drifting away, and people that I used to know. If they aren't one of the latter three, I hate them.  I'm just so DONE with what people want me to do! Some people want me to be perfect. Others want me to pick up all their damn slack. Join a club! Meet people! Be outgoing! Be friendly! Go outside more! Do stuff that makes you incredibly uncomfortable and stresses you out and makes you upset and tired! Why do people not understand? Everyone needs to STOP telling me what they think I should do! They do NOT know what's best for me.

I'm not saying they can't give me advice. I really do like advice. I consider it. I'm just so fed up with people judging me based on how they live. Oh, so you like to go hang out with people? Does that mean I should to? Give it a break. People don't usually say these things to me directly. But I know it's what they're thinking. I know the meaning behind what people say to me; I'm not stupid. 

I don't even know why I'm complaining. There's no person or event in particular that's giving me trouble. I'm just very upset lately.

Things Got a Little Better

It turns out I did a lot better on my math midterm then I thought I did... I got a 91% on it. That bumped my class grade up to an 88%. I think I might actually survive until the end of the semester. I might actually be able to pass this class! Which of course means that dad will have to buy me Assassin's Creed III... Now we're learning about imaginary numbers in math. At first, I thought, "Oh, God, what the hell? How can numbers be imaginary? Dear God this isn't going to make any damn sense." Actually, I'm understanding it so far... my only worry is that it becomes too complicated for me to understand as we go further and further into it.

I bought AUDIENCE by Ayu last night. Dad owed me $10. I can't wait for it to ship here!! Also, I watched Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha in three days. I started Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha A's yesterday and ended up watching the first six episodes... it's so much better than the first season! And in the beginning that was based on the first episode of A's alone! This may actually become one of my favorite animes. I'm excited to finish it and watch the next season, StrikerS... And, of course, the Nanoha movies which are recaps of the first two seasons. The second movie came out just this year, in July. The original shows were released in 2004, 2005, and then StrikerS in 2007. The art in the movies is going to be great!

We had a debate in English. I mentioned that, right? My group basically forced the role of leader on me and did no work. One kid didn't show up. One guy didn't open his mouth the entire debate. It was 85% me, 15% another girl. I just saw online today that I got a 25/25 on that debate, which is nice. We have the entire rest of the semester for our final essay. A 2000 word (7-8 page paper) that can be anything to do with college-level education. Only college. No high school or other allowed. He said we should have a topic in mind by Monday. I need to brainstorm... I'll think of something. I have to.

I finished my video for CPD and uploaded it to YouTube. In class yesterday, my group put out powerpoint together. Our presentation will be tomorrow. I'm not stressed about it. If our presentation ends up not being at least 10 minutes, we'll only get docked 5 points (out of 100). Sure, that's half a letter grade, but I don't think we'll get docked on anything else.

My next psychology exam should be a week from today. I have to work on the study guides. Also, the chapter 9 homework is due next Tuesday, so I would like to get started on that soon. The earlier it's done, the less time I have to waste worrying about getting it done. 

Now I'm going to enjoy my morning and try not to think about things.

I'm Ready for a Vacation

Considering that school is the only place I go, this post will pretty much revolve around school. Mr. Spivey asked if he could keep my essay. He wanted me to email it to him with the name and header taken off, so I did. I got a 99% on that essay! I'm happy with it. Our team debates are on Monday. I was hoping I could possibly squirm out of having to do a lot... but then my group elected me "team speaker" and I'll pretty much be doing all of the talking, but I will quiet down during the question and answer period. I hate being put on the spot. Apparently I have the "strongest voice" and speak with the "most conviction" out of our group. Whatever, fine. It's one day, one debate. I'll prepare tomorrow. I already have down what I'll be talking about, but I'll organize it, and double-check for logical fallacies. 

I cannot for the life of me find a camera. And of course, almost no one lives in Peoria anymore, so I can't borrow a camera. I can't find the cord for my digital camera. I want to film my CPD project and have it done soon. Monday would be great, Wednesday good, and Thursday... no, it needs to be done before Thursday. I need to film and then edit, but editing does not take long. Especially since I'm filming in a specific order. I already wrote down exactly what I want shots of, and how long each shot will be. The only thing that I really need to do for editing is add music and record the video dialogue... which I already wrote. 

Psychology is going well. She actually pushed back one of the homeworks last week to Tuesday, but I had already done it. So no psychology homework for me next week! Our next exam will be in a little less than two weeks. We did an activity where we made an origami box and a heart. For the box, she read off the instructions but did not show us. For the heart, she showed us through observation. That was how we learned about different styles of learning. I have become obsessed with making boxes. I have three boxes (technically six, but I flip out upside down and make it the lid). 

My math midterm was yesterday. I know I passed. I didn't get the extra credit right, I'm sure. I basically did the test backwards. I did the problems I knew I knew how to do first. Then I went back to the first page, which was full of problems I wasn't as good at. And... my mind blanked. Basically, 12 points--guaranteed gone. Out of about 68... But I know I passed. Hopefully my grade will still be in the B-range after he grades them. I'm just kind of upset that those will be the first problems that he grades. The first problems he'll see from me are all great examples of failure. At lest after that it gets better.

Time is my Greatest Enemy

A good representation about how I feel about group projects in school. I have two of them going on now. One is for English. We're going to have a debate on Monday and our group was given a topic. We're being strictly timed so we need to figure out who says what and when. We haven't made an effort to meet outside of class and I'm not even sure what they want me to do. I'll see them again before class tomorrow if they all show up early enough. We need to figure this out. At least I got a 99% on my essay.

I have much more time for my CPD project. Instead of teamwork, my group is all making their own video and we're just going to show all 3 videos and like a couple of powerpoint slides to introduce each one. Hopefully we don't get too heavily marked down for that, if at all.

I have two psychology chapters due this week. One's due today and I did it yesterday. The other is due Thursday and I'll probably start it tomorrow or maybe tonight since it's really long. My math midterm is Friday. I started the practice midterm. The problems I've done so far I know how to do, but I'm never confident with my answers. What if I screw it up and get mostly wrong answers on all of them because I mess up some step? Then I'll just fail the class and screw up my schedule for next semester.

Yesterday was the first day of early registration, so I signed up for my classes. I had too boot out one class because it had picky requirements. So on M/W/F I'll have back to back sociology, philosophy, and then math. The next math class after the one I'm taking now. Which I really do hope I'll pass. I have an 84% in there and we're halfway through the semester... there are a lot of people in there who are doing a lot worse. So maybe I'll pass. And my only Tuesday/Thursday class next semester will be Mythology. With Callahan. My mom had Callahan for her English 102 class when she was pregnant with me. This woman's English class gave me inner-uterine headaches! Apparently she's a hard teacher, but I want to take mythology, so whatever. 

I started rewatching Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica. The rewatch value is amazing. That show is so brilliant. But recently I've noticed that I'm upset because I have so many things I want to be able to do in my little freetime and I can't do all of them... I want to watch shows (like Madoka, Desperate Housewives, Project Runway, etc), play Pokemon, watch movies that I love, read, play video games... there's not enough time to do everything I want and it upsets me and I don't know why. I want to watch old movies I haven't seen in years. Balto, Homeward Bound, The Iron Giant, Ferngully, Fox and the Hound... and I've never seen Oliver and Company, so I want to watch that. But where's the time?

Cops, Paramedics, and Bacon Cheeseburgers

You know what sucks? Locking your keys in your car. You know who did that today? Me. It wasn't a big deal, though. Grandma picked me up after my CPD class and took me home, where I got the spare key. Then she drove me back to school and I unlocked my car and we went back to her and mom's house. 

I offered to help her with errands she needed to run. Just as we were leaving, some kid on the phone ran up to mom's office. Mom wasn't in there because she had just left to clean out a vacant unit or something. We tried to tell him that, but he didn't speak much English, so he ignored us. Right when we were about to turn onto 67th, a cop car pulled up, but had to stop at the gate. He couldn't get in because he didn't have a code. I guess the kid was trying to find mom because he wanted to try to tell her to open the gates for when the cops he had called came. So I told grandma to wait, and then I jumped out of the car and ran over to the cop car. I offered to use my gate code to open it for him so he could go through. So he said, "That would be great, thank you." And I did. Then me and grandma found mom and told her the cops were there for some reason, and left. Later we found out that two ladies (the kids' mom and aunt) were arguing over the contents of a storage unit or something and had called the cops. 

Later at Wal Mart, me and grandma were leaving, and some person had collapsed so the paramedics were suddenly there. It was kind of awkward to inch around them and get out of the parking lot with that ambulance in front of the Wal Mart. I'm surprised there wasn't a fire we got to witness on top of all this! We did see a firetruck. But that's not really a special occasion. And of course, I ate a bacon cheeseburger for lunch. Otherwise, my title wouldn't make sense.

I'm kind of understanding math I guess. I have a psychology test tomorrow. I've had this headache all day that won't go away. I took a short nap, and it helped refresh me enough to do my psychology homework, but did nothing for the damn headache.

The Halfway Mark

I'm so happy that I got my essay done and printed in Friday. Yesterday and today have been great and well-deserved relaxation days. I'm happy that I just get to turn in this essay tomorrow and be done with it. That leaves only one essay left... of course, it has to be twice as long as the essays we've already written, but it's just one more essay. I wonder what it will be on? I guess we'll get to that eventually.

Wow... my last day of school will be December 14th. It's October 7th. I guess that means I'm almost halfway through? Hooray! I can't wait for this semester to be over. On the 15th I'll sign up for next semester's classes. Next semester is probably going to be way harder than this one... But I won't have English. I do love English, but it's so demanding as a class. I'd much rather just write for fun on my own spare time. Next semester probably won't be that hard, but it will be homework-heavy. However, I don't think I'll stress out as bad. Unlike English and math, there are other classes I can take to get those credits. I don't have to take philosophy for my fine art; I have other options. That helps me calm down and remember in the toughest of times that even if I fail, I do have other options. You don't get that with English and math. Of course, I'm not worried about English.

I understand math right now... up until a certain point. The teacher skips steps and sometimes that confuses me. At least I get the majority of it. I'll look in my book later tonight and maybe on the internet during my long break before math class tomorrow so I'll hopefully know what I'm doing before our quiz. If I pass math, dad will get my Assassin's Creed III. Of course, I'll be contributing towards that with my GameStop giftcard... but still. I wish math wasn't required. I hate it so much. I feel like I should try to be more positive, but it's hard.

I have my third psychology exam on Thursday. I haven't done the study guides yet, but I should probably be fine. I did really well on the last test and the first test. CPD... I never worry. I'm a little nervous about my English essay, but I always am. I'll probably be okay.

I'm worrying about career stuff again. What am I going to college for? What's my end goal? I don't have that much more time to figure it out. I actually wouldn't mind some sort of counseling/clinical psychology... but you have to have a MA for that. I'm not going beyond my BA.

The Only Thing I Ever Talk About

A good representation of my life ever since the hell that is college began. Yesterday I sat down and worked on psychology for 3 hours. We were assigned 2 homework assignments (two chapters and 2 online worksheets to go along with them) this week. We'll only have one a week again after this. She's trying to transition the due date from Thursdays back to Tuesdays. The next stuff will be due Tuesday, so basically I'll be doing it Monday.

Today, I'll be starting my next English essay. Not this morning, though. I'll work on it on my break at school and the time I have before school since I have to get there an hour early to park. And then I'll work on it after school. I want to hopefully have an entire rough draft done for tomorrow, if possible. That isn't required, though. Tomorrow will be a work day in English. We can get other people to look over what we have so far. Yesterday I wrote a general outline of my paper. All I have to do is get it done. Like they said in high school when we were writing the senior paper, the rough draft is the core of everything. If you get that done, you just have a little bit more to do. Once the rough draft is done, you're more than halfway over with it.

I like Tuesdays and Thursdays because I can sleep in. I usually sleep in until about 8, since on the other days I have to get up at 6:45. It's nice and relaxing. I would work on my essay right now, but I want some relaxation time. I am like, 1200% done with school. Not even a break will be satisfying anymore. I just want to be straight-up done with it. I wouldn't mind if it was Centennial, but it's not. College is terrible and I have no damn clue why everyone says it's the "time of your life." Yeah, maybe it is for social party people. I don't like people. I don't like partying. I take my grades very seriously. I never go anywhere or hang out with anyone outside of class (except for Tuesday because that was Ayu Day). If the friends you make in college are the ones that stick forever, I don't think I'll have any "stuck" friends in the future. But that's fine, because the ones I have now are the only ones I care about.

I feel like I'm such a bitter person. Eh, whatever. Doesn't bother me. I just hate college and want it to be over. And cool down the god damn air outside! It's still in the 90s and it's October now!

Too School for Cool

Rarity and Sweetie Belle! This is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Anyways, it's been a few days since my last post. Today is the first day of October, and it's still hot as hell outside. How unfair! It's been fall for a month already! (No, don't tell me fall started on September 20-somethingth. No. The first day of fall was September 1st, just like how the first day of winter will be December 1st). And we got a new air conditioner. Just in time for it to hopefully cool down. Sigh.

My next essay in English will be due in a week. We talked about the format it should be in today. I guess I'll start it soon. Not today. Probably not tomorrow, either. I'll probably start it Wednesday, maybe. It shouldn't be too difficult. I do hope I get a nice grade, like my last essay. 

I have some reading for psychology to do. I understand what's going on in math, for the most part. Things are pretty good right now. I still have no social life and wish school was over, but at least we're almost halfway done. December 14th will be my last day. On October 15th, I get to sign up for next semester's classes. I just don't even want to think about school anymore. It's so sad. The only thing I have to talk about is school, because that's the only place I go, and it's the only thing I do every day besides eat, do homework at home, and, if I'm lucky, get a few minutes of video game time in or something. I wish I had more time to do stuff that I want to do. I guess it's not super important.