Goodbye, 2012

It's winter break. I don't do anything. I sleep all day and play video games until 3 in the morning. Yesterday was Christmas, and now I have enough money to buy the 3ds xl like I've been planning on doing. Hopefully I can do that sometime soon. I would go right now, but I don't want to drive myself because driving is scary.

Yeah. There's not much to talk about, seeing as I do nothing of importance outside the video game realm.

Winter Break

It's a rainy day today. That's my favorite kind of day. Well, school ended. My last day was last Wednesday. I finally know some of my grades.

I have As in psychology, English, and CPD. I got a 102% in psychology overall, and a 112.5% on the final exam. Holy sh... just wow. Okay. I will not complain. I also got a 96% on my final English essay. That's the lowest grade out of all my essays that I've gotten so far, but do I honestly care? Nope. I got a 98% on my CPD final. And then there's math.

Math...

I don't know what I got in the class or on the final yet. I'm still waiting. I know I did horribly on the final. Maybe better than a 50%, but it couldn't be by much. I just spaced out and forgot everything... this is why it's stupid to make your final exam over everything you've learned throughout the entire semester! Even though I studied for two hours before the test and thought I had it, I didn't! Hopefully I'll at least pass. I had a 91% before the final. I already signed up for and paid for the next math class, so I better pass... we'll see.

Dad got a huge 50 inch TV. We watched Sherlock last night. The best episode (aka Reichenbach Fall). My NaNoWriMo shirt still isn't here, but I was expecting it to take weeks, anyways. I'm enjoying my freedom this winter break. I don't want to go back to school next semester.

My Last Day

Tomorrow is my last day of school! I had my psychology final today. I know I passed that class, and with an A, I'm pretty sure. Tomorrow are my CPD and math finals. I still have to go in for English to turn in my essay, but the essay is our final, so there's nothing we really have to do. He did say that we'd need to stay for about 15 minutes, but he didn't say why... I'm curious.

CPD should be fine. I have a ton of time before class tomorrow to review stuff we've learned, anyway. The same with math... but I'm more worried for math. I know I'll probably be fine--I'm pretty sure I'm at least going to pass, but still. 

After tomorrow, I will be free for a month, and it will be glorious. I will read, watch anime, eat, sleep, and play Mabinogi, Skyrim, and Oblivion. Hopefully I'll get enough money from Christmas to buy a 3ds so that I can play Animal Crossing: New Leaf when it comes out next year. 

I can't believe it's finally over. Well... this semester, anyways. I only have to go through this hell seven more times (at minimum) before being thrust into the real world of adults. Wish me luck! Especially with math. I need it.

Another Ending

Tomorrow is finally my last day of regular classes! Today was my last day of psychology as a class. I already got my binder project done and turned in for CPD, and I already finished and printed out two copies of my rough draft of my English essay, so the only thing I have left to do for the year (which isn't even technically homework) are my psychology study guides for the chapters that will be on the final. Well, I guess I also have to edit my essay and make it the final draft, but that's not hard. That just involved looking over it a few times, then emailing it to good friends, who will look at it and help me make my edits. Then all I have to do is print it and turn it in. I also need to study for my math final, because it's covering so much and I want to make sure I'm going to be prepared. That final's on Wednesday, so I have lots of time for studying.

I'm so happy that this semester is finally coming to an end! I really need this month-long winter break. I especially can't wait for summer, because even if I'm going to have to get a job, I'd so much rather work and get paid then go to school and have homework and essays and exams during the three-month break! This semester really has gone by pretty fast, when I think about it. None of my high school semesters seemed this fast, ever.

I'm still waiting for my INSPIRE and my NaNoWriMo shirt to arrive! INSPIRE was supposed to be here today. I know it's being shipped all the way from South Korea, but if it's not here before Sunday, I'm emailing the person and complaining to them. I must have it now!

Did I mention that I got a fish a few days ago? Well, I did. A veiltail male betta fish, black body and dark blue fins. He's so pretty! His name is Neptune. He's cute!

It's Winter and I'm Still Not Wearing a Jacket

School is finally wrapping up and coming to an end. This week is my last week of regular classes, and my finals are next week. The quantity of things I have to do is dwindling, but the things I have left are all big. My English essay, which I still have 500 words left to write; my CPD project; my math and Psychology finals, too. 

I'm so excited for school to be over so I can have a month of freedom. High school was fun. College is not fun. Anyone who thinks otherwise must be one of those party-holics who drink and go out with friends every night instead of doing their homework. Literally, there is nothing fun about college. The atmosphere sucks, too. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I have to leave for school in an hour and a half. We have two class periods left and three chapters left to cover. I can only imagine how the hell this is supposed to work out. One chapter alone takes a class period and a half at least. Either way, I did the homework that's due tonight yesterday, and we have the next chapter's homework due Thursday night. We haven't even lectured on either yet. I'm pretty sure she'll give us some kind of altered game plan in class today.

My only other class today is math, of course. We took a quiz on logs yesterday (which I hate), but I think I did okay. We had a sub. Literally everyone else in my class did two problems at most before giving up and leaving. I did every single question (except for the second extra credit because I wasn't sure how). I know I passed it. I'm just not sure how 'well' I passed it.

In other news, I won NaNoWriMo. I hit 50k on the last day, as planned. My story isn't yet finished--I still have one chapter and the epilogue to write. Next year I want to participate again, and I want to write the sequel. I'll spend the months before planning better. The next book is going to focus more on the main plot and character development.

Winning and Losing

This is going to be a quick post. I keep forgetting to post until I'm lying in bed or I'm super busy! Hopefully I'll be able to elaborate tomorrow if necessary.

Right now, I am both winning and losing in multiple aspects of my life. In CPD, I got a perfect score on my quiz and on my last project. I have no fear of failing that class, and that makes me happy. Then there's English; oh, English, and the dreaded essay. I got full points on my outline, which I stressed so much over, trying to make sure it wold be perfect. Our first three pages are due on Monday, and I decided yesterday to get a head start. If I did one page a day, I'd finish on Friday and get to relax for the weekend. Well, that's what I'm doing, and I'm making sweet, sweet progress! I'm very close to 700 words and have two full pages now (WITHOUT the header or name/date/class info)! The intro paragraph was both the hardest and the easiest. I did only that yesterday. Today, I did the paragraph on my opponent's arguments, and a paragraph on the gun show loophole (with some Virginia Tech thrown in). Even though I'm iffy about my essay, my friends who I've shown it to so far think it's pretty good, so I'm happy.

Also, guess what? Tomorrow is the LAST DAY of NaNoWriMo! And... there has not been one single day this month that  I have NOT met the par/minimum word count! I wanted to write some more tonight (as in extra), but I needed to work on my essay (and I'm glad I'm working ahead and staying focused!). Tomorrow, I will hit 50,000 words and WIN NaNoWriMo 2012, my very FIRST one I participated in! It will take another day or two to actually finish the novel (I have one more chapter and an epilogue I have planned to include), but I'll still have one, and I'll have a full length novel. Unedited, but still!

Where am I losing in my life now, you ask? Math. We're learning logs right now. I don't want to talk about it much, partly because I'm rushing through this post since it's already late, and partly because I just hate it and don't want to think about it. However, during my long break tomorrow before class, I'm going to look up some stuff on logarithms and hopefully figure out what the hell I'm doing. We have in in-class quiz Monday--it will be our last quiz, and the only thing we have after that is the final.

After tomorrow, I only have one week left of school! And then finals week. I still don't know how finals week work. I will ask my CPD teacher tomorrow.

Loss of Will

I really, really, really don't want to start my outline for my final essay in English. It's due Monday, which means I have tomorrow and Sunday. Yesterday was Thanksgiving, ate food, etc. Tuesday is my fifth psychology exam. There's a lot of school crap coming up. Only two weeks left, and then finals week.

And I'm supposed to write my final essay. Or at least, the outline, this weekend. I haven't even touched anything essay-related since writing the prospectus and annotated bibliography. I know I can do this. It might be kind of stressful (a LOT stressful), and I'll hate every minute of it, but of course I'll get it done. I'll always get everything done that I need to do, and on time.

Watched an episode of Sherlock with Kate and dad tonight. Now we only have the season 2 finale to watch before we have to wait for season 3 to come out... to start filming, even... but it starts filming in a month or so. 

The main thing I'm worried about right now is just that ESSAY. Just the thought of it has made me lose the will to post. Seriously.

Oh, and words: 38,333.

Disrespected

I take a 35-40 minute bike ride every day now. This tradition started last week. From 4 to around 4:40, I ride around, going wherever I want, and de-stressing myself. Occasionally, I pass by other people. They usually mind their own business, but I'm sure what happened today won't be the last time it will happen, but it certainly was the first.

Two girls, who I guess to be freshman at Centennial were in front of their house in my street, which is just a few houses down opposite from mine. One of them was a friend, and the other was with her little brother, who was messing with his bike in the middle of the street. I was on my way home when suddenly the sister called, "Excuse me?" I stopped and she asked if I went to Centennial. I said I graduate last May. Then they asked if I went to college. I said yes, I went to GCC now. I didn't recognize them, but I guess they knew me.

What bothered me was how they made me feel.

After everything I said, they giggled to each other and said something under their breath that I couldn't hear. Even before the conversation started, I was just passing by when I heard one of them call to the little brother, "Hey, it's your girlfriend!" They used me as a means of teasing him. 

It was something about them and their bossy attitudes. They sounded extremely condescending when they spoke to me. I should feel disrespected. But I don't. I'm mad at myself, because instead of feeling how anyone else would, I let them make me feel stupid and ignorant. They made me want to crawl into a hole and hide.

They made me feel like I was in elementary school again, where no one bullied me to my face but they made fun of me behind my back, which I think is worst of all.

They talked just like everyone from Harbor did. That's what I recognize it as. They talk in that same mocking way. I didn't feel like a legal adult, just minding their own business and exercising. I felt like a 5th grader being talked down to by classmates. That's exactly what they were doing. 

I thought I had escaped this kind of treatment after I went to high school. People were a little more mature when we transferred schools, and there were a bunch of new people from other schools who I became friends with. People who weren't aware of the 8-year-long shunning everyone from Desert Harbor gave me. Things got better.

And now I feel like this again, when all I was doing was trying to relax and relieve myself of some anxiety. 

Do I deserve this? I don't think so. I don't see why this would be my fault. Am I paranoid? I don't know... the last thing on my mind before they started talking to me was how I was an outcast in early grade-school years. It's just the way they acted... I bet, if they were in my grade back when I was in Harbor, they would have been part of that large, large crowd of "popular" or "normal" kids who never associated with me, talked down to me, and made fun of me when they thought I wouldn't notice, because I'm too stupid to notice.

I hate how I feel right now. I just wanted to have a good day.

Three Weeks Left

A bunch of crap happened at school. Psychology got randomly cancelled on Thursday, so now the test is postponed to the first class after Thanksgiving break. There was this whole paper due in CPD that she never told us about but I scrambled to get done anyways, and then I turned it in and she told the rest of the class she would extend it... Whatever, it just means I don't have to do it this weekend. I'm supposed to gather lots of research for my essay, because on Monday we start our outlines... I haven't even googled the topic once since I finished my prospectus and annotated bibliography. I don't care. Also, I have no idea what the hell is going on in math right now, but the quiz is a take home quiz, so there's hope.

I finished Nanoha StrikerS! I'm sad there won't be any new Nanoha now. Last night I watched the first movie, which is just a recap of the first season... It wasn't very good, but it was fine. I have high hopes for the other movie, since it's a recap of the second season, which was my favorite! Tomorrow, I'm going to start another anime. Not sure which one... Not Sailor Moon yet (too long for me at the moment), and I would do Cardcaptor Sakura but that's also super long... So either Mermaid Melody or Powerpuff Girls Z. 

I'm about 2/3 done with The Silent Blade, now that I've picked it up again. I

m so happy I force time into my day for it. It's still not my favorite, but it is really good! And my daily bike rides have been nice. I use them to de-stress.

Just three weeks left of school... Oh, and I'm at 26,666 words or something like that.

Long Weekend

My memories of this weekend are already fading. I didn't have school today because of veteran's day. It's my first long weekend I've had in a long time... since the beginning of September. Yesterday dad fixed my bike and I went on a 40 minute bike ride around my neighborhood, down streets I didn't even know existed because they don't connect to 75th or 79th. Also, I finally picked up my books again. I haven't had time in a long time to read. But I figured, if I can force enough time in my day to watch one episode of anime (25 minutes), then I can make time once a day to read a chapter of whatever book I'm reading, too. It feels nice to sit outside and relax and read again. Three episodes left of Nanoha StrikerS, and then I move on to a completely new show.

I went to mom's house last night and drove over a stupid tiny stick. It made my tire go flat. I was okay, because I was already at my destination and my mom's house was probably the best location for anything like that to happen, but still. Pissed me off. A tiny stick took out my rolling turd. How unfair.

I don't want to go back to school tomorrow. I really, really don't. At least it's psychology/math Tuesday and not one of my days with English. I dread every moment spent in that class because I don't want to write this final 2,000 word paper. My senior paper (the one on dragons) was about 2,500 words. At least that was a fun subject. I really just don't want to write this paper... at least the class is taking baby steps. The final draft isn't due until the very last day of class, but our rough drafts are due sooner than that. Ugh. I also need to read a chapter of psychology today and do the homework that's due tomorrow. 

I don't want to do anything. I want to stay home and not go to school anymore. One more month, and then I'm free for a couple weeks... I just need to keep telling myself that. But then the spring semester will start, and I'll have to go back...

Just Another Month...

Oh, Perfume. Your reactions are so adorable. Moving on to the actual post...

Mom got me ponies!! And that makes me crave even more ponies. She got me a surprise pack and a transparent dark blue Rainbow Dash keychain pony. The surprise one ended up being a transparent pink Pinkie Pie with sparkles! They now reside next to my Fluttershy. I want stuffed ponies. They can sit with my unicorns on my bed.

I really need to stop getting so anxious over every single school assignment I get! Really! I'm so tired of it! But if I don't freak out over it, I'll slack off. I just know it. I got full points on my annotated bibliography and prospectus for English. On Friday Spivey will tell us the next step we're going to take to write this essay. Probably an outline. We didn't write outlines for the other papers; we went directly into writing out first drafts. With an essay this long requiring this much secondary research, I'm glad we'll actually use one. I got a 102.5% on my last psychology exam (missed one point on the multiple choice section but got all the extra credit right). I have some assignments to do for CPD. I have an 89% in math. I'm tired of school.

10,000 words written for NaNo; I haven't written today yet. After today, I will have 11,666+ words. I'm just kind of waiting desperately for the weekend to happen. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I usually sleep in, but I want to get up the same time I  usually do tomorrow and spend my morning free time relaxing. Sure, sleeping is very relaxing, but I'm talking fun relaxing. Well, sleeping in is fun. But I mean... you get the point.

At least I get Monday off. My first day off since the beginning of September! Sweet Jesus I need this. 

Where Is My Break?

It's November, and it's still kind of warm outside in the middle of the day. Not that I'm really complaining--it's pretty cool in the morning and at night, and I really hate extreme cold. According to my Personal Calendar of How the Seasons Work, it's not going to be winter until December 1st. I think the weather would be perfect if it just stayed at a nice, even 80 forever.

Lost my phone this week. Found it ten minutes later. I went to the library and checked out five books for English. Returned three of them yesterday. I finished my annotated bibliography and I need to write my prospectus before Monday. Aiming for today, but tomorrow's fine too. It just needs to get done. I'm really dreading English right now. I hate research paper like these. It has to be 2,000 words! That's 7-8 pages! On a topic I don't even care about... Not to mention I'm going to mess up somehow, and my paper won't even be good. I hope he approved my topic. It's so stupid that we have to find 10 sources for our topic before he even approves it! I am so ready for a break. Not this weekend, but next weekend, I will have Monday off for Veteran's Day. That'll be nice... and I think the week after that week is Thanksgiving break. I think we get Thursday and Friday off. Good.

I have a math test on Monday. I'm kind of worried because I kind of suck at what we're doing right now. I got the last quiz back. 35/40. My grade in the class is still an 88%. 

Today is turning out to be one of those days where I just want to be alone (not that those are rare days. But today I REALLY want to be alone). I might just disappear off the face of the earth for a bit.

I started NaNoWriMo. Today is day 3. I'll have at least 5,000 words by today's end. I have about 3,600 right now.

Burned Out

Code Geass/My Little Pony crossover! Go Fluttershy! Anyways, today was a long day. In English, one of the librarians came to class and taught us how to use their website. They then showed us a bunch of really helpful sources and tools we can use when we start looking up stuff for our research papers. I still didn't have one picked out, and I've been killing myself over it. However, I think I've found one I'm finally going to stick with: gun use/concealed weapons on college campuses. I don't know what side I support. I'll probably support whatever side I feel has better evidence, whether I agree with it personally or not. It doesn't matter if I agree. I can write a paper supporting with something I don't believe. If nothing else, it will show that to Spivey. I'm pretty much going to pick the side that uses the most logos and ethos. Spivey has told us before that he hates pathos, so I will avoid it at all costs. This paper is all we're going to do for the rest of the semester. We don't have a final in their. The paper is our final. As long as I get a C or better on this paper, I will pass the class, with at least a B. I do hope to score an A, but I'm not very confident in myself, despite the fact my last two essays got a 98% and a 99%. In fact, I'm never really confident in my writing ability at all... But I look at the essays that I hung on my wall, and I at least have some hope. I just have to try... but I'm so exhausted.

I spent almost 5 hours today working on psychology homework alone. It took forever. Longer than usual. I don't know why. I did really bad on the homework. 32/34. It may seem pretty good, but that's a low A. Well, I guess it's not terrible... but I usually do so much better than that when it comes to psychology! Our next exam will be Thursday. I'm almost done with the study guides. I've been spacing them out. I only have one more chunk to do, which I will do tomorrow after class... I can't really do it before the next lecture, anyways! We haven't covered it in class yet. (Even though I read about the whole chapter in my book already, since the homework is due tomorrow.) 

In math, we're learning about how to complete a square now. I understand it a bit... up until a certain point. Then I get lost. But I will practice. I want to do well the rest of the semester. I want to be DONE with this class! As far as I know, I still have an 88% in there. However, I suspect I did extremely well on that take-home quiz that I did on Friday in class. He literally handed us the paper and said, "You can stay and work on this, or you can go home and turn it in on Wednesday." I wasn't having really any trouble with imaginary numbers, so I was one of maybe four people who stayed and did it. We worked separately, in silence. I finished it and, feeling confident, decided to turn it in without taking it home to have anyone look over it. He briefly glanced over it and said "Good." I seriously feel great about that take-home quiz. Possibly a 100%... but probably not. However, definitely an  A or high B. Maybe it'll even boost my grade to an A? I'm not expecting it, and I won't be disappointing if it doesn't, but it would make me extremely happy. I haven't had a full semester at GCC before this one, but every individual class I've taken, I've gotten an A in. I'd like to keep up the trend as long as I can, if possible! Especially since I KNOW that I have As in all of my other classes right now.

It's kind of lame that I only talk about school... but that's all that happens in my life! I'm so exhausted from working on schoolwork all day. Tomorrow I want to practice math, finish my psychology study guides, and start finding some sources for my English essay. Our annotated bibliography and prospectus for it are due in one week. It's so stupid that we have to do some research before he even approves our topics! At least I'm feeling a bit better about where I am now that I think I have a more solid topic... 

I wonder what everyone's doing for Halloween. I won't be doing anything. I know a lot of people are probably going to parties. We all know I'm too introverted to be comfortable there. (Plus, whose party would I even go to?) Already said I'm not trick or treating (again--who would I even go with?) and that I will not pass out candy. I guess I'll just be sitting at home, blogging about the horrors of school.

I'm So Done

School will be the death of me. Especially English. I don't really want to talk about school, so I'm just going to summarize all I need to say about it. 1. Big essay-related stuff coming up in English; I still need a firm topic. 2. Presented our group projects in CPD on Friday; it went well. 3. Lots of psychology study guides. 4. Got a take-home quiz in math. Dr. K said we could leave or stay and work on it. I stayed. Finished it. Turned it in. I think I did really good.

For some reason, today doesn't  feel real. I don't mean, "Today's so awesome it can't be true!" I just feel foggy and tired. I was really excited for Halloween all this month, and now I just don't care anymore. It's just a day. Children will be trick or treating, others will be passing out candy or partying or something. I will sit at home on the computer and won't be able to do anything fun because of stupid little kids being outside. September was an incredibly fast month. This month is just slow and will not end. I can't wait for this semester to just be over with... but at the same time, I don't want it to. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT enjoying it in the least. I don't want it to go by faster simply because of my stupid final English research paper. It's going to be like writing the senior paper all over again, except this time, the topic won't even be interesting to me. 

I'm so tired. I'm so done. I wish quitting school was a logical option. I wish I could spend my life doing the things I like to do, and not slaving away at school and, eventually, work. I wish I could spend any money I get on things I want to have, and not bills and taxes and over stupid crap. I don't care if everyone else has accepted that that's the way things are. Am I them? No. So don't try and drill that into the damn brain! I'm allowed to think what I want and have my own opinions. Other people judge too much. And you know what? It's time for me to start getting defensive.

I am so done with people. I hate all of them. They suck. They're either rude, part of a bad crowd, uninteresting, stupid, or someone I personally despise. And then, of course, there are some friends, a few people drifting away, and people that I used to know. If they aren't one of the latter three, I hate them.  I'm just so DONE with what people want me to do! Some people want me to be perfect. Others want me to pick up all their damn slack. Join a club! Meet people! Be outgoing! Be friendly! Go outside more! Do stuff that makes you incredibly uncomfortable and stresses you out and makes you upset and tired! Why do people not understand? Everyone needs to STOP telling me what they think I should do! They do NOT know what's best for me.

I'm not saying they can't give me advice. I really do like advice. I consider it. I'm just so fed up with people judging me based on how they live. Oh, so you like to go hang out with people? Does that mean I should to? Give it a break. People don't usually say these things to me directly. But I know it's what they're thinking. I know the meaning behind what people say to me; I'm not stupid. 

I don't even know why I'm complaining. There's no person or event in particular that's giving me trouble. I'm just very upset lately.

Things Got a Little Better

It turns out I did a lot better on my math midterm then I thought I did... I got a 91% on it. That bumped my class grade up to an 88%. I think I might actually survive until the end of the semester. I might actually be able to pass this class! Which of course means that dad will have to buy me Assassin's Creed III... Now we're learning about imaginary numbers in math. At first, I thought, "Oh, God, what the hell? How can numbers be imaginary? Dear God this isn't going to make any damn sense." Actually, I'm understanding it so far... my only worry is that it becomes too complicated for me to understand as we go further and further into it.

I bought AUDIENCE by Ayu last night. Dad owed me $10. I can't wait for it to ship here!! Also, I watched Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha in three days. I started Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha A's yesterday and ended up watching the first six episodes... it's so much better than the first season! And in the beginning that was based on the first episode of A's alone! This may actually become one of my favorite animes. I'm excited to finish it and watch the next season, StrikerS... And, of course, the Nanoha movies which are recaps of the first two seasons. The second movie came out just this year, in July. The original shows were released in 2004, 2005, and then StrikerS in 2007. The art in the movies is going to be great!

We had a debate in English. I mentioned that, right? My group basically forced the role of leader on me and did no work. One kid didn't show up. One guy didn't open his mouth the entire debate. It was 85% me, 15% another girl. I just saw online today that I got a 25/25 on that debate, which is nice. We have the entire rest of the semester for our final essay. A 2000 word (7-8 page paper) that can be anything to do with college-level education. Only college. No high school or other allowed. He said we should have a topic in mind by Monday. I need to brainstorm... I'll think of something. I have to.

I finished my video for CPD and uploaded it to YouTube. In class yesterday, my group put out powerpoint together. Our presentation will be tomorrow. I'm not stressed about it. If our presentation ends up not being at least 10 minutes, we'll only get docked 5 points (out of 100). Sure, that's half a letter grade, but I don't think we'll get docked on anything else.

My next psychology exam should be a week from today. I have to work on the study guides. Also, the chapter 9 homework is due next Tuesday, so I would like to get started on that soon. The earlier it's done, the less time I have to waste worrying about getting it done. 

Now I'm going to enjoy my morning and try not to think about things.

I'm Ready for a Vacation

Considering that school is the only place I go, this post will pretty much revolve around school. Mr. Spivey asked if he could keep my essay. He wanted me to email it to him with the name and header taken off, so I did. I got a 99% on that essay! I'm happy with it. Our team debates are on Monday. I was hoping I could possibly squirm out of having to do a lot... but then my group elected me "team speaker" and I'll pretty much be doing all of the talking, but I will quiet down during the question and answer period. I hate being put on the spot. Apparently I have the "strongest voice" and speak with the "most conviction" out of our group. Whatever, fine. It's one day, one debate. I'll prepare tomorrow. I already have down what I'll be talking about, but I'll organize it, and double-check for logical fallacies. 

I cannot for the life of me find a camera. And of course, almost no one lives in Peoria anymore, so I can't borrow a camera. I can't find the cord for my digital camera. I want to film my CPD project and have it done soon. Monday would be great, Wednesday good, and Thursday... no, it needs to be done before Thursday. I need to film and then edit, but editing does not take long. Especially since I'm filming in a specific order. I already wrote down exactly what I want shots of, and how long each shot will be. The only thing that I really need to do for editing is add music and record the video dialogue... which I already wrote. 

Psychology is going well. She actually pushed back one of the homeworks last week to Tuesday, but I had already done it. So no psychology homework for me next week! Our next exam will be in a little less than two weeks. We did an activity where we made an origami box and a heart. For the box, she read off the instructions but did not show us. For the heart, she showed us through observation. That was how we learned about different styles of learning. I have become obsessed with making boxes. I have three boxes (technically six, but I flip out upside down and make it the lid). 

My math midterm was yesterday. I know I passed. I didn't get the extra credit right, I'm sure. I basically did the test backwards. I did the problems I knew I knew how to do first. Then I went back to the first page, which was full of problems I wasn't as good at. And... my mind blanked. Basically, 12 points--guaranteed gone. Out of about 68... But I know I passed. Hopefully my grade will still be in the B-range after he grades them. I'm just kind of upset that those will be the first problems that he grades. The first problems he'll see from me are all great examples of failure. At lest after that it gets better.

Time is my Greatest Enemy

A good representation about how I feel about group projects in school. I have two of them going on now. One is for English. We're going to have a debate on Monday and our group was given a topic. We're being strictly timed so we need to figure out who says what and when. We haven't made an effort to meet outside of class and I'm not even sure what they want me to do. I'll see them again before class tomorrow if they all show up early enough. We need to figure this out. At least I got a 99% on my essay.

I have much more time for my CPD project. Instead of teamwork, my group is all making their own video and we're just going to show all 3 videos and like a couple of powerpoint slides to introduce each one. Hopefully we don't get too heavily marked down for that, if at all.

I have two psychology chapters due this week. One's due today and I did it yesterday. The other is due Thursday and I'll probably start it tomorrow or maybe tonight since it's really long. My math midterm is Friday. I started the practice midterm. The problems I've done so far I know how to do, but I'm never confident with my answers. What if I screw it up and get mostly wrong answers on all of them because I mess up some step? Then I'll just fail the class and screw up my schedule for next semester.

Yesterday was the first day of early registration, so I signed up for my classes. I had too boot out one class because it had picky requirements. So on M/W/F I'll have back to back sociology, philosophy, and then math. The next math class after the one I'm taking now. Which I really do hope I'll pass. I have an 84% in there and we're halfway through the semester... there are a lot of people in there who are doing a lot worse. So maybe I'll pass. And my only Tuesday/Thursday class next semester will be Mythology. With Callahan. My mom had Callahan for her English 102 class when she was pregnant with me. This woman's English class gave me inner-uterine headaches! Apparently she's a hard teacher, but I want to take mythology, so whatever. 

I started rewatching Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica. The rewatch value is amazing. That show is so brilliant. But recently I've noticed that I'm upset because I have so many things I want to be able to do in my little freetime and I can't do all of them... I want to watch shows (like Madoka, Desperate Housewives, Project Runway, etc), play Pokemon, watch movies that I love, read, play video games... there's not enough time to do everything I want and it upsets me and I don't know why. I want to watch old movies I haven't seen in years. Balto, Homeward Bound, The Iron Giant, Ferngully, Fox and the Hound... and I've never seen Oliver and Company, so I want to watch that. But where's the time?

Cops, Paramedics, and Bacon Cheeseburgers

You know what sucks? Locking your keys in your car. You know who did that today? Me. It wasn't a big deal, though. Grandma picked me up after my CPD class and took me home, where I got the spare key. Then she drove me back to school and I unlocked my car and we went back to her and mom's house. 

I offered to help her with errands she needed to run. Just as we were leaving, some kid on the phone ran up to mom's office. Mom wasn't in there because she had just left to clean out a vacant unit or something. We tried to tell him that, but he didn't speak much English, so he ignored us. Right when we were about to turn onto 67th, a cop car pulled up, but had to stop at the gate. He couldn't get in because he didn't have a code. I guess the kid was trying to find mom because he wanted to try to tell her to open the gates for when the cops he had called came. So I told grandma to wait, and then I jumped out of the car and ran over to the cop car. I offered to use my gate code to open it for him so he could go through. So he said, "That would be great, thank you." And I did. Then me and grandma found mom and told her the cops were there for some reason, and left. Later we found out that two ladies (the kids' mom and aunt) were arguing over the contents of a storage unit or something and had called the cops. 

Later at Wal Mart, me and grandma were leaving, and some person had collapsed so the paramedics were suddenly there. It was kind of awkward to inch around them and get out of the parking lot with that ambulance in front of the Wal Mart. I'm surprised there wasn't a fire we got to witness on top of all this! We did see a firetruck. But that's not really a special occasion. And of course, I ate a bacon cheeseburger for lunch. Otherwise, my title wouldn't make sense.

I'm kind of understanding math I guess. I have a psychology test tomorrow. I've had this headache all day that won't go away. I took a short nap, and it helped refresh me enough to do my psychology homework, but did nothing for the damn headache.

The Halfway Mark

I'm so happy that I got my essay done and printed in Friday. Yesterday and today have been great and well-deserved relaxation days. I'm happy that I just get to turn in this essay tomorrow and be done with it. That leaves only one essay left... of course, it has to be twice as long as the essays we've already written, but it's just one more essay. I wonder what it will be on? I guess we'll get to that eventually.

Wow... my last day of school will be December 14th. It's October 7th. I guess that means I'm almost halfway through? Hooray! I can't wait for this semester to be over. On the 15th I'll sign up for next semester's classes. Next semester is probably going to be way harder than this one... But I won't have English. I do love English, but it's so demanding as a class. I'd much rather just write for fun on my own spare time. Next semester probably won't be that hard, but it will be homework-heavy. However, I don't think I'll stress out as bad. Unlike English and math, there are other classes I can take to get those credits. I don't have to take philosophy for my fine art; I have other options. That helps me calm down and remember in the toughest of times that even if I fail, I do have other options. You don't get that with English and math. Of course, I'm not worried about English.

I understand math right now... up until a certain point. The teacher skips steps and sometimes that confuses me. At least I get the majority of it. I'll look in my book later tonight and maybe on the internet during my long break before math class tomorrow so I'll hopefully know what I'm doing before our quiz. If I pass math, dad will get my Assassin's Creed III. Of course, I'll be contributing towards that with my GameStop giftcard... but still. I wish math wasn't required. I hate it so much. I feel like I should try to be more positive, but it's hard.

I have my third psychology exam on Thursday. I haven't done the study guides yet, but I should probably be fine. I did really well on the last test and the first test. CPD... I never worry. I'm a little nervous about my English essay, but I always am. I'll probably be okay.

I'm worrying about career stuff again. What am I going to college for? What's my end goal? I don't have that much more time to figure it out. I actually wouldn't mind some sort of counseling/clinical psychology... but you have to have a MA for that. I'm not going beyond my BA.

The Only Thing I Ever Talk About

A good representation of my life ever since the hell that is college began. Yesterday I sat down and worked on psychology for 3 hours. We were assigned 2 homework assignments (two chapters and 2 online worksheets to go along with them) this week. We'll only have one a week again after this. She's trying to transition the due date from Thursdays back to Tuesdays. The next stuff will be due Tuesday, so basically I'll be doing it Monday.

Today, I'll be starting my next English essay. Not this morning, though. I'll work on it on my break at school and the time I have before school since I have to get there an hour early to park. And then I'll work on it after school. I want to hopefully have an entire rough draft done for tomorrow, if possible. That isn't required, though. Tomorrow will be a work day in English. We can get other people to look over what we have so far. Yesterday I wrote a general outline of my paper. All I have to do is get it done. Like they said in high school when we were writing the senior paper, the rough draft is the core of everything. If you get that done, you just have a little bit more to do. Once the rough draft is done, you're more than halfway over with it.

I like Tuesdays and Thursdays because I can sleep in. I usually sleep in until about 8, since on the other days I have to get up at 6:45. It's nice and relaxing. I would work on my essay right now, but I want some relaxation time. I am like, 1200% done with school. Not even a break will be satisfying anymore. I just want to be straight-up done with it. I wouldn't mind if it was Centennial, but it's not. College is terrible and I have no damn clue why everyone says it's the "time of your life." Yeah, maybe it is for social party people. I don't like people. I don't like partying. I take my grades very seriously. I never go anywhere or hang out with anyone outside of class (except for Tuesday because that was Ayu Day). If the friends you make in college are the ones that stick forever, I don't think I'll have any "stuck" friends in the future. But that's fine, because the ones I have now are the only ones I care about.

I feel like I'm such a bitter person. Eh, whatever. Doesn't bother me. I just hate college and want it to be over. And cool down the god damn air outside! It's still in the 90s and it's October now!

Too School for Cool

Rarity and Sweetie Belle! This is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Anyways, it's been a few days since my last post. Today is the first day of October, and it's still hot as hell outside. How unfair! It's been fall for a month already! (No, don't tell me fall started on September 20-somethingth. No. The first day of fall was September 1st, just like how the first day of winter will be December 1st). And we got a new air conditioner. Just in time for it to hopefully cool down. Sigh.

My next essay in English will be due in a week. We talked about the format it should be in today. I guess I'll start it soon. Not today. Probably not tomorrow, either. I'll probably start it Wednesday, maybe. It shouldn't be too difficult. I do hope I get a nice grade, like my last essay. 

I have some reading for psychology to do. I understand what's going on in math, for the most part. Things are pretty good right now. I still have no social life and wish school was over, but at least we're almost halfway done. December 14th will be my last day. On October 15th, I get to sign up for next semester's classes. I just don't even want to think about school anymore. It's so sad. The only thing I have to talk about is school, because that's the only place I go, and it's the only thing I do every day besides eat, do homework at home, and, if I'm lucky, get a few minutes of video game time in or something. I wish I had more time to do stuff that I want to do. I guess it's not super important.

The Absolute Value of 5s-z

For once, I was actually dying of boredom this morning... and I even slept in until almost 8, which doesn't usually happen on my Tuesdays/Thursdays, even though I have all that spare morning time. This surprises me. And also, I don't know why, but even though I have less classes on these days, it feels like I'm at school longer!

Like last week, this week (for some random reasons unknown to me) has been going by extremely fast... not that I'm complaining. Thank God tomorrow's Friday! Then I get 2 days of relaxation! Oh wait, no I don't... I have to write an essay. And do my math quiz, which is worth more points than the others and is going to count towards super major points.

Well, I like psychology. I got a 100% on our last exam. Okay, okay, I would have missed 2 points, but I got all the bonus questions right, so 100%, damnit. We're doing a unit on consciousness, sleep, and dreams now. I remember doing this unit in high school psychology and I loved it! Super fun. There are some things I remember from that class that we're learning, so I feel extra prepared. 

It's becoming a common Tuesday-Thursday thing for me to spot my math professor in the student union buying his lunch 45-ish minutes before class. We're doing radical expressions in math now. Yes, that's right; rational expressions are over, and we've graduated onto the next, equally-stupid thing. At least I kind of understand it. In fact, I answered a question in class today. Well... sort of. Dr. K was doing problems and I was following along. I was pretty sure I had the answer right, but when he asked for someone to say the answer, I naturally didn't raise my hand because I didn't want to be in the spotlight. I made the mistake of making eye contact with him, and he knew I had written an answer down on my paper, so he looked at me and said, "Do you know what it is?" And I was like, "The absolute value of 5s-z" or whatever it was. And it was correct. Which is great for my teacher's pet points, but sucks at the same time. The class gave that reaction. You know, the one where they all give that incredulous laugh like, "oh my god you actually knew that? wow you must be so damn special." One of those kinds of laughs. All at once. It made me feel embarrassed and made me regret answering, even though it was the right answer. This is why I hate people.

This weekend I need to start my psychology homework, write my essay, and do as much as I can of that math quiz. I can't wait for the weekend... I can't wait for winter break. No, summer. No, for school to be over!

The 98 Percent

Everyone needs to be aware that this is the best picture on the internet. Just look at it. Oh my god.

Well, today actually turned out to be a pretty good Monday... that being said, Monday sucks and needs to go die, and I'm going to cry in the fetal position until Friday comes around. (Or maybe not.) I'm feeling pretty good about English. Towards the end of class today, Mr. Spivey handed back our essays. As they were being passed out, I looked over everyone's shoulders. Every paper was covered in ink, with things crossed out, misspellings circled... markings everywhere. So, I was feeling pretty nervous. Then, Mr. Spivey dropped my essay in front of me and moved on. There was nothing on the frist page--not a single mark. I cautiously flipped through it; only a few minor errors were circled--I forgot to change a few numbers from digits to written words. On the last page, he wrote my grade (a 98%) and a comment. "Very good use of research and clean writing. Excellent essay--keep up the great work!" I was relaxed then, and actually closed my eyes and let out a sigh of relief. Of course, I had to sit there for the last 10 minutes of class and listen to him lecture everyone on how horrible our essays were... though, it was nice to know that he wasn't talking about me!

I was feeling pretty good after English. I want to get a bulletin board (I've been wanting one for a while anyways), and I'm going to pin that essay to it for inspiration. He gave us an assignment today, due by midnight, that I finished about an hour ago--not too hard. Just the summarize a short article. Our next essay is to refute someone else's essay, and in our essay we're going to have to summarize their paper. Then I went to CPD. I don't even know with that class. But I know that I am getting 3 credits for it so nothing else matters. How many times have I said that on this blog?

I went to mom's house and took the best picture of my cat ever. I always walk up to the window of their room and mess with them before I go in the house. Kimyo was looking rather photogenic, so I took out my phone and snapped a picture. It was cloudy and I keep flash off, so the picture ended up... well... I don't know how to describe it. I have to show it.

Oh my god, my cat is the new Mufasa. The cat in the clouds. This was the best thing ever today.

In math, we had a surprise quiz. I think I did okay... I maybe got a C. Hopefully. We also got the last take-home quiz back. I got a 33/40, but that's probably only because I made John help me. Without him, I wouldn't have been able to do half of the questions. But I understand solving rational expressions more than just simplifying them, so maybe I did okay. We'll see. The one thing I like about this class is that, on every assignment we get back, not only does he write the score, but he writes our current grade in the class. That class is the only one where I can't see my grades online, and it's nice to see how I'm doing. I have an 84% in there right now... maybe I can manage to pass? If I do, dad's buying my Assassin's Creed 3. I still have my 25 dollar gift card. I've been saving it for this. So dad wouldn't have to pay a whole 60. But, damnit, math is too hard. I can't be good at English and math. Oh well.

One of Those Days

A wonderful picture of Velyos I drew on Monday. Yeah, you won't get it.

We learned out next essay topic in English today. We'll be refuting someone else's essay. Seems easy enough--it's secondary instead of primary, so no research efforts needed. And I'm good at arguing, so this essay won't be as annoying... I'm still going to painstakingly make it perfect and stress out about it, though.

Not much else. We've been watching some movie, Stand and Deliver, in CPD... and I'm understanding what we're doing in math right now. The other day my math teacher saw me in the student union and waved hello to me. Don't ask why, but this now makes me feel obligated to pass math. So thank god I get what we're doing right now.

Today is one of those days where... I don't know. I don't like today right now. I'm in one of those moods where I'm depressed that everyone's gone. I watch TV, I look at people at school, and I realize... I'm all alone here. I have people I talk to at school, but I never talk to anyone outside of class or, for a certain few, facebook... I haven't done anything with friends because, well, I don't really have any close friends besides a few down here with me. Of course, they're going to be at school or work, and we never have time off together because of homework on top of that. It just makes me feel so alone. Everyone's enjoying college life and having a good time. Everyone but me. And every time I mention how much I hate college, I feel like I'm being a party pooper and ruining everyone's good fun. But honestly, I'm jealous that they're having a great time despite the work. I'm jealous of other people for being able to socialize and make friends and actually enjoy it. No matter how much ranting and complaining I do, I am most certainly not about to go somewhere and meet people. Partly because I'm a xenophobe, and partly because I don't want to replace my friends. I'm living in the past and wishing that all of us cold be together again, at Centennial. I don't like college, and I don't like where my life is going, and the future is so unclear. I hate it. It's so foggy and I don't know what's going to happen and I can't stand it. I do not like being spontaneous. I need a plan. And I don't have one. It's killing me.

I guess I'm just having a tough time. I don't know who I am right now because I don't know what my goal is. Just to graduate, I guess... But I don't know what I want to do. I have no idea how to live after that. My friends are going to branch out and move all over the country (most likely), and then we'll be torn even farther apart... I feel so selfish when I talk about it, but I just miss everyone and I don't want them to forget about me. It's happened before. The transition from Desert Harbor to Centennial was especially rough, and this one's been even worse. And after college? Damn...

They say that "you just lose touch after high school," and that "the friends you make in college will be your friends for life." Unfortunately, I do not have many friends (none at GCC, although I am friendly with a few people), and do not want any there. I don't like talking to people I don't know at all, so it's impossible for me. I just wish everything can go back to normal.

What makes me most upset is that people just don't get it. They either think this is just a phase or tell me to grow up. I am not going to grow up. I am going to stay exactly how the hell I am now. I wish everyone else would, too, but I know they won't, and I don't expect them to. I don't want to hold anyone back... but at the same time, I am not willing to step forward and move on. I don't like change, and I don't want it to happen. Again, I hate it when people tell me, "Well, it's going to happen whether you like it or not, so might as well accept it" or "Just deal with it." No. I will not. I will fight it and even though I'm going to lose, I will kick and scream and reject it until it overwhelms me and everything I've ever bottled up pours out. That's just the way I am.

I don't want to change, and I don't want my world to change. In high school, especially junior and senior years... I'd finally come to accept and really enjoy the majority of my life. I loved my friends, I loved school itself, and I was happy. I wasn't an adult and I didn't have any major responsibilities. And I could see my friends every day. My friends are literally my family. My family was torn apart, and it hurts. I never tell them, though. I don't want them to feel guilty for leaving. That's just absurd. It's not their fault. It's mine, for being so whiny. But...

I don't know.

Game Time!

For the first time ever, and probably the last time, I ended up not having any homework today (that's due tomorrow, anyway)! I did my psychology project at mom's house on my break, and I was going to do my homework for it when I got home, but I got an email from Dr. Schimanski. our homework is postponed to Thursday.

Now that my essay's done, my sticky note of homework is shorter than it's ever been before! I didn't present my visual in English today. We ran out of time. I'll be going on Wednesday for sure, though. It just means I have more time to practice. In CPD, we got in groups and did stuff. It doesn't even matter. That class... I'm getting 3 credits for it. That is all.

I understood most of what we did in math today. Now we're solving rational expressions, not just factoring and crap. It makes much more sense to me now. God, I hate math. It's so dumb that I need to learn more of it than I'll ever need to use in my life.

After I eat, practice my presentation a few times, and maybe start that math quiz, I'm going to spend the lovely remainder of my only truly free day in a long time playing video games. Namely, The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. My favorite video game of all time. I am a PC gamer. I don't really like consoles, and don't own many, either. I don't have a PS3 or Xbox 360 or whatever. My favorite "console" is my GameCube, and even that loses to my PC. Best graphics, blah blah. All that rant. Anyways, Oblivion was the first game in the Elder Scrolls series. I remember my grandpa first showing it to me when I was 12... it scared me because it was hard and seemed complicated! But a few years later, he bought me a copy and I played it... since I was older, I was less scared of dying in video games. I totally fell in love with that game. Since the discovery, I've played Morrowind (but have never beaten it) and attempted Arena (I never get far since I die a lot. Those 90s games, man!) And, yes, I do have Skyrim. And Skyrim's a good game. But Oblivion will forever have a special place in my heart. Even if I may leave it at times to play Skyrim, I love to come back to Oblivion and play again. I have so many characters. I've played the game so many times. It never gets old!

Okay, I'll stop talking about video games. I know you don't care if you don't play it! But seriously... the graphics may not be the best now, but they were amazing for its age, and they're not so horrid that you can't play it. So check it out.