Life Sucks, and then You Die

The title of this post is basically the new philosophy I have adopted. My life recently has been nothing but stress, stress, stress, and college isn't even a big part of it. I'm mostly stressing because I don't know what to do with my life. I have no passions, no interests or hobbies that can be made into worthwhile careers, no talents, and no marketable skills. Believe me, that is not even my usual negativity talking.

I love to rant and vent and beg people for help, yet whenever they offer me a suggestion, I push them away and list off reasons why I can't do it. Even though I'm aware of this, I can't stop. I feel like a one-person pity party. It's true, I tend to complain a lot and to anyone I'm comfortable around who will listen for a while... and yet, the only thing I accomplish from that is more stress, confusion, and tears.

Even if someone could answer all of my problems, cure cancer and create world peace, I'd probably argue with them and fight them on it because I'm so negative. I know I should try and be positive; I know that's an absolute must if I'm going to be happy, which is my only goal. But I can't do it. The world sucks, life is crappy, people screw you over, and then you die. People are seriously surprised when they find out how truly pessimistic I am. I don't really show it much because I'm extremely bad at expressing my emotions unless I'm having a breakdown or something and it all just spills out. But this is 100% how I feel. To anyone completely appalled by this discover: don't freak out. I'm not going to ever kill myself or anything. Hell, my favorite pick-me-up is, "Well, no matter how badly I screw this up, at least I'll be alive."

Anyways, back to the point. What, what, what am I going to do? Five years of thinking, taking every quiz on the internet, and researching every possible option on every list has gotten me nowhere. I don't understand the people who just know what they want to do. Those people who say "I want to be a doctor!" in 8th grade. I just don't get it. Why? How? 

Another problem is that I'm slightly limited. Not much, but slightly. I'm not going past my bachelor's. While it wold be totally cool to get a Master's or even a Doctorate, I'm too lazy, and also, I don't have enough money for that. I'm getting almost all of my college education paid for by my grandfather. It's about $20k, which will cover both years at GCC in almost $5k for the two years as a whole and then nearly all of ASU. So whatever I pick, I need to be able to do with a basic degree.

But what do I want? What do I like? Almost all of my friends... no, actually, all of my closest friends have told me that I should be an author. While that does sound like a dream job, that's just it... a dream job. Would I really even be able to make it with all that competition among aspiring, up-and-coming, and already established authors? Would I really even be able to come up with good plotlines and solid characters worthy of a bookstore's shelf? Do I even want this? Would it make me happy? I don't know the answers to any of those questions. That's why I don't consider it. Hell, I don't consider anything. I hate everything.

I'm so tired that standing up takes all of the energy out of me. I can't take a nap; it's 3 hours until I need to go to bed, which means there's no point, and I shouldn't waste time I could be working on homework due next week... even if I know I'm not going to do any of it tonight. I've been snappy and cranky all day and have ranted to multiple people about this whole career issue. And now I'm doing it on my blog because, why not? It actually feels good to vent on here, even if no one reads it. At least I'll be able to look back on it and try and organize my thoughts and feelings. But, honestly... I just don't know anymore.

A Day Away

I have had a rather productive weekend so far. I did the reading I need to do for math, and I brainstormed ideas for my upcoming English research paper. I even knocked out about half of the reading I need to do for psychology, which I think I'll be able to finish tomorrow. Now all I need to do is finish the reading, finish my psychology homework and do my mini-project for psychology that's due Thursday... not that it's going to be hard at all! I'm proud of myself for staying on top of all my work and even getting things done early instead of at the last minute.

I would have posted about that yesterday (and in greater detail) but I had a bit of a... problem. It hit me hard that almost all of my friends were physically gone--moved out of town for college. They're all pretty close friends who I hung out with the most outside of school. That, on top of stressing out about what I'm going to do with my life lead me to have somewhat of an emotional breakdown. Long story short, after texting mom for a while (I didn't want to bother anyone else and ruin their day with my ranting) I drove to her house, where I ended up staying the night after watching the new episode of Project Runway again. I feel a lot better now and spent all day here as well. I sat with my mom in her office and worked on my assignments and other homework. It was a fun first Saturday of college, and very productive. I hope it remains that way.

This netbook is actually really helpful. I treat my computer as my gaming and goofing off computer, since it's my personal PC at home. I do all my homework via the netbook, even if I'm at home. Sometimes I even have them going at the same time because it's useful. And of course, I can take it with me when I go to my mom's house (which is where I'm still at right now) and have my own computer access... which pretty much just leaves me with Facebook since there's not much else I do on the internet besides check a few websites. I listened to music with it today, too, since I wanted to check out some new stuff that's not on my iPod.

It's nice to blog from the couch. They're watching Julie & Julia, which I've never seen and it's almost over. Me and mom just got home so I'd rather sit here with them and make my blog post than be confused and pay attention to it. Kate doesn't want to spend the night (she's over here too), so we're probably going to go home in a couple hours. It's been a great weekend so far, getting to hang out with my mom. even just being in the same room as her while we're both working in silence is comforting. Kate was upset when I came here last night without telling her, but I was really upset and didn't want her to come. I didn't even tell dad where I was until an hour after I'd gotten to mom's house. He wasn't home, though, so it's not like it mattered. He was mad for a little bit because I had left Kate home alone. But I'm not her damn baby sitter! She's 15 and knows how to stay home alone and can take care of herself. If she can't be home alone, then I'm her babysitter, and babysitters get paid. That finally shut him up about it. 

I had a few funny moments today. Norman messing with my face when he woke up for work at 2 in the morning and I was sleeping on the couch, spilling coffee all over everything this morning, watching videos with mom... It was fun.

Parking Hell

The only thing I hate about getting to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays are how busy the parking lot is when I arrive. I made sure to leave an hour early, just like last time. I managed to squeeze in the very back of the parking lot, like last time. It was filling up fast. Also, people are idiots. Just for the record.

However, I do enjoy the extra time I have in the morning. I woke up and did my English homework. I was the second one to turn it in. The person who submitted theirs before me was very illiterate. In fact, 90% of everyone who turned in their homework so far can't even make a functioning paragraph. What was the homework? A 250 word response to a 10 page article on cluttered writing. My response ended up being 370 words. I wasn't paying attention to the word count; I was just trying to say what I wanted to say. I was horrified when I submitted it and realized that I had repeated myself in one part, but (not trying to be arrogant) compared to what everyone else has dared to turn in as our first college English assignment... I'm feeling pretty good about it. I'll share it, just for fun. And I'll highlight that mistake I just mentioned for fun. Also, I accidentally said "informal" instead of "formal." Whatever.

" I agree that writing today (especially in the media) tends to be cluttered and more complex than necessary. The more I read, the more I became conscious of my own writing. Making my writing less cluttered and more simple will be a challenge, but Zinsser's many examples of confusing writing and communication in today's society has at least opened my eyes to the matter. It is obnoxious that writing today contains so many useless hedges, and it's unfortunate that I, along with so many others, don't know how to break the habit. 

 Despite that, however, I do not agree that every sentence must be stripped to its simplest form. While they should remain simple enough to understand without much effort, I see no problem with using more advanced synonyms and adjectives as long as they are used properly, and as long as the writer knows how to use the words correctly. 

 I believe that the reason writing today is so cluttered is because writers think it makes them sound more intelligent. They want to come off as important and knowledgeable to the average reader, so the reader will trust what they're talking about for no better reason than it sounds fancy. As long as it sounds informal, writers tend to think that nothing else matters.

 I agree that style is hard to find. I'm not even sure what my style is, and hope that it comes to me naturally and in a way that is recognizable. It would be more challenging to find my style with completely simplified sentences, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. 

 Honestly, I was relieved when I was told that this response would be written in first person. It's the easiest way for me to write, even though it was discouraged all through elementary and high school. I actually feel most comfortable when I get to write about my opinions. I found it so difficult in elementary and high school to rewrite an entire paper just because I used the words "I" or "my." I enjoyed reading Zinsser's opinion on using first person.

 Overall, I found the excerpts interesting and educational. It's definitely something to consider while writing essays throughout the rest of my college career. "

I wanted to die when I first saw my mistake, but I don't even care anymore. 

I got a netbook yesterday and did one of my psychology assignments during my break. And then math happened. Again, my class was being immature and talking while he was teaching and just being rude. I almost snapped at them because they were distracting me. I feel like I'm the only one in that class who wants to learn. We got out about 5 minutes early because we finished today's lesson. Because of the power outage yesterday, our quiz this week is a take home quiz... and not even due until Tuesday! Awesome! I'll do it tomorrow or this weekend. Psychology has some homework and some reading, but it will be more time consuming than difficult. The homework isn't due until Tuesday, but I'm going to do it earlier. We also have a "project" due Thursday, but it's super easy. Much better than what I was expecting. I'll be happy to do it.

The new Project Runway comes on tonight. Hopefully I'm not too tired to watch it! Well, that's really all that's gone on with me today... in general I'm just tired. I'm not behind in college yet, so that's good. I can't wait for tomorrow to be over! This week has been the longest week of my life. I can't wait to sleep in and wake up and not have to go anywhere.

I'm still being hassled by people to join a club or make friends or something. And, like before, I still don't want to. After class every day I'm going to go home and do nothing on the computer until I die. 

Evacuation

It was really rainy and stormy last night. I didn't know how to turn my windshield wipers today if I needed them. Dad woke up really early this morning and got them fixed (apparently they were broken) and was back right when I woke up. He showed me how to use them. Luckily, I didn't need them. I went to school. Again, parking was great in the morning.

I actually enjoyed English today. We read an article on why people in my generation (18-24) not only hate reading, but love to express how much they hate it. Then we had a discussion about why that is. I actually added in my opinion, and while Mr. Spivey totally agreed, it wasn't the answer. I said that people don't like it because they're told what to read. Like I say, if you don't like to read, you just haven't found the right book. Although it is important to read great works of literature like The Great Gatsby and all that, it's not our choice. And because we have to read these things against our free will, most kids come out not liking it. However, even though Mr. Spivey agreed, it wasn't the right answer because it doesn't apply to nonfiction. Why doesn't hardly anyone read nonfiction? They can read on any single subject that interests them. Do you like cars? Read a nonfiction book about cars. It was something to think about. No one could figure out why. He didn't really tell us, either. We have a homework assignment today that I'm actually not annoyed with. We have to read a 10 page article about writing well and then write a 250 word response about what we think. That's my favorite part of writing--including my own opinion. It's the easiest thing to talk about. And, of course, easiest to BS if necessary. And 250 words is just a good paragraph, so it's not a lot. I read the first 3 pages of the article in class, but then class ended, so I'll finish that up later today or tomorrow morning.

I spent my hourlong break after that in the back of the SU away from where all the socializing happens. I didn't really want anyone to come talk to me today. I ate a snack and read another chapter of The Silent Blade (again, all I had time to read without being interrupted in the middle of the next chapter which I didn't want to happen). Then I went to CPD. We went over the syllabus and then played "Person Bingo" or something like that. It's bingo, but basically it's got things like "has green eyes" and "is an only child" instead of numbers, and you go around and get people to sign off on yours for everything that they are. I'm getting 3 credits for this class? Okay, yay.

Then I went to hang out with mom again during my 3 hour break. We talked, went to the bank, and then got some food and watched TV at her house before I left. Not even 10 minutes after getting in the SU, a cop comes in. I can't hear him, but he was basically telling everyone to get out. So I did. I decided, since math was going to start soon, that I'd just wait outside the classroom. But as soon as I got there, everyone was evacuating the building. So I followed them and asked around, and then heard another student shout for everyone nearby to hear, "Campus is closed." I walked to the parking lot with some guy as we discussed what was happening. Hooray, no math today! That's great!

Tomorrow is psychology and math. I'll have to leave an hour early again (assuming campus is re-open by then, which it should be). I want to make sure I have time to find a parking spot again before class starts. 

Moron Madness

Even though my first class today didn't start until 11:30, I woke up at 7:00. Went on the computer, vacuumed, and did nothing of importance. I was bored, so at 10:30 I decided I would leave (I hadn't planned on leaving for about another 15-20 minutes). I'm really glad I left that early. I'll have to remember to do that every Tuesday and Thursday. The parking lot around 11:00 is just terrible. I drove around it for 20 minutes looking for a spot, any spot. Finally, I found someone walking to their car, so I blocked everyone's way waiting for them to pull out so I could take their spot. And that spot was in the very, very back of the parking lot. It took almost 10 minutes alone to walk to class from that spot.

Psychology seems like it's going to be a pretty fun class... it's my longest class this whole semester. All of my other classes are only 50 minutes long, while Psychology is an hour and 15 minutes long. Still shorter than a Centennial class. Not that I care. Anyways, the teacher there is Dr. Schimanski. This is her first year teaching at GCC. Before that she did some stuff at U of A. She's Canadian. And luckily, she's friendly. All of our homework assignments are going to be online. We have 15 assignments due every Tuesday, and she drops our lowest 2 scores every week for those. Technically, we could just do 13 and leave 2 harder ones out, but she said she'll sometime give extra credit for doing all 15. No homework today, though; the real stuff doesn't start until Thursday.

I read a chapter of The Silent Blade and listened to my iPod in the SU for the hour between classes. Then I went to math. I was getting really irritated in there by the other students. Almost all of them are taking this math class as their first college math course. Most new freshman place into 120. I took 092 over the summer, so I've taken a math class at GCC before. And I have the maturity level to be in class. However, the other students were all giggling and acting stupid like they were high school freshman, not college. Dr. K was giving us a review of lines and the slope forms and all. What he was doing was explaining how we get the equations that we use (point-slope and slop-intercept). This girl kept complaining rather rudely that she didn't understand and Dr. K would go over it again and again trying to explain it to her, all the while never losing his temper or getting irritated. But the class kept being very rude, whispering during class, and complaining to each other that they didn't understand. Sure, it was a little confusing, but in the end we got what we needed: formulas to remember if we didn't know them already. Everyone was complaining that he was going "backwards" and this one same girl even kept trying to correct his math, even though he was doing it right. It just really irritates me. We're all adults now, and they still can't even act like it. They'd better not be so rude tomorrow. We didn't finish our whole paper today, because he kept having to go over crap. If the class can't shut the hell up so we can work, how are we going to know all we need to know for our quiz on Friday? And quizzes make up 50% of our grade! I just really don't like how people act in that class.

Like yesterday, parking was cleared out by the time I left. Of course, I had to make the trek into the abyss for my truck. I had a little fight with Kate because I kept calling her and she never answered. I was going to ask when she wanted me to pick her up from her club. As soon as I get in the house, take my shoes off, and get comfortable, she had the audacity to text: "Pick me up." I got so pissed off. How dare she ignore my calls, not call back, and then text me a demand like that? I bitched her out and when we got home I made her make me food, though, so it's all better.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, so the long day again... English, CPD, and of course, math. I don't want to go to English at all... ugh. Hopefully I can try and think more positively about it. 

Failure is Not an Option, Part 2

When I left mom's house and went back to school, parking was a lot better than it was when I had left. I got a spot only 2 spaces away from where I had been parked before (which, considering how big my truck is, counts as a premium spot). I still had about a half hour left before my math class began, so I went back to the SU. I looked around and spotted Jack again. So we talked and then I saw Sydnee. At first I was like, "Is that Sydnee? I can't tell from the back of her head... but that looks like her..." So I walked over and it was! So then I talked with her for a few minutes and then I went on the math.

As soon as I saw the teacher I almost died inside. He looks like such a total stickler. To make matters worse, he must be refereed to as either "Professor" or "Dr. K" which just makes me feel like an idiot. Why is a Ph.D teaching intermediate algebra at a community college? I guess it doesn't really matter. Anyways, he's actually not too bad... I asked him a question after class about the textbook to make sure I had to right one and he was nice enough. Despite that, class is still going to suck. We'll be having a quiz every Friday, 50% of our grade. Then 25% of our grade comes from the midterm, and the remaining 25% from the final. At least I understood the review sheet we did today.

By the time I got home, I was just super exhausted. I'm still tired now but not as about-to-die tired as I was when I first got home. I would have taken a nap, but that would mess up my sleep schedule. So I sat back and watched TV for like an hour and ate a snack. 

Tomorrow is just psychology and math. I'm not sure whether psychology is going to be a good or a bad class. I mean, it'll be interesting to learn about, but oh, God, all the required reading... just kill me now. English is going to be bad enough. I'm so glad I refused to take honors English.

What I really want right now is some more soda and a nice, beautiful bowl of orange chicken. I want to ask my dad to take me and Kate to go get some, but since we got Panda last Wednesday, he probably won't, so there's no point in asking. But really, I need orange chicken so bad right now. Ugh.

Failure is Not an Option

The day has finally arrived. Today is my first day at GCC. I say 'is' because it isn't quite over yet. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I have a three hour long break. Well, three hours and twenty minutes. I came to my mom's house and I'm using her computer. My next class, and last class of the day, math, isn't until 2. It's almost 12:30 now. I'll probably go back around 1:20 to make sure I can find a parking spot and then get to class early.

I woke up, took a shower, gathered my things and drove to school. Parking this morning wasn't terrible at all; it was actually really good and I got my favorite spot. I found my English room and waited 20 minutes for class to start. A girl started talking to me but only so we could both make sure we were going to the right classroom. I walked into class as early as it was possible, which was 10 minutes before class started.

The teacher is Mr. Spivey. Seems like a cool guy, but this class is definitely my toughest. Though, I haven't gone to Psychology yet (that's Tuesday and Thursday), so I don't know if it's going to be the worst this semester. Apparently, there's going to be a lot of group work. We also have three major essays that we'll be doing this semester. Basically, if you mess up on any of them, you're screwed. That makes me feel so much better. Not.

Then I had an hour break before my next class. Right after class I went and got my login information for the GCC computers, which I needed because my English class is in the High Tech Center 2--which means that instead of being at desks, we're all at computers. English is basically really stressful, or at least, about to be really stressful. No homework, of course; class was only 50 minutes and he let us out 10 minutes early because he was done talking about the syllabus.

I went to the SU and snacked on a couple of my pretzels because I couldn't eat breakfast this morning (I was sick to my stomach with anxiety that made me want to puke). Some guy sat down in front of me and started talking to me. It really freaked me out at first because I don't like talking to strangers, but it was okay I guess. Still, I'd rather have been left alone so I could have listened to my iPod or something. Anyways, his name is Jackson, and he dosen't even have any classes today. He takes ASL tomorrow and I think on Thursdays. We talked about how Tony Stark is awesome because he was wearing an Iron Man shirt and I'm wearing my Thor shirt. He knows a lot of people on campus and said "hi" to everyone who passed by us. He must be one of the big social people on campus. I mean, to come to school on a day when you don't even have any classes! Luckily, I can hide my fear of strangers and appear to be very talkative and friendly. After that, I left to go to my CPD 150 class.

CPD 150 is a "college success" course, recommended to all new freshman. It's one of those classes that... how do I describe it... well, it's basically a semester-long orientation. We're going to do some career exploration eventually, talk about success and failure, all that. Today, all we did was play icebraker games. I guess that wasn't too bad. Sure, I don't like games with strangers at all, and I certainly feel no closer to anyone in class, but I'm getting 3 credits for this and I have no homework. So whatever.

In about 50 minutes I'm going to leave for MAT 120. I took MAT 092 in June and got an A, so I guess I did okay. Can't say I really remember anything, though. Hopefully there won't be any homework today. And, for the record, this is my only class that is every day of the week. The reason I had to make it so late was because it serously had to be every day, but also, my only other class on Tuesdays and Thursdays (Psychology) had picky times, and I had to choose 11:30 - 11:45. The only math time that would work with that was 2:00 - 2:50. Thus, the three and a half hour gap on M/W/F. Oh well, fine with me. I can do homework, take a break, and come to mom's house.

Dsepite math being my worst subject, I'm not as worried about it as I am English. It's every day of the week, so it's a much slower pace than my one-month-long math class I took. Sure, I'll probably have homework every day, but I won't be as stressed out... I hope. I think this is the first time I've ever looked forward to a math class more than an English class. I just feel like English is going to ask way too much of me. The teacher said that "whatever you got in English 101, if you don't try much harder, you're grade is going to be 10% lower." He also said he's the toughest grader of all the English teachers, and that, no, he will not pass us if we "try." Trying isn't good enough. we have to succeed, and with skills better than "good enough." Since this class was already paid for, failing is definitely not an option. It would be too much of a waste of time and money, considering I'm already going to have to take a class or two every summer just to get enough credits to graduate. I need 60-something, and two years alone won't be enough to cover it if I don't take any summer classes. I'll try to take some electives or something fun in the summer.

Grandma (and others) think I should join a club and make a bunch of friends or whatever. But I don't want to. I'm already going to be stressed and always have so much homework. And being around people I don't know really stresses me out, so I'm not going to go to a club. Also, no one really understands that I don't want to make any friends in college. The friends I already have are just fine with me. I want them, not some new people. I won't replace my friends. I've been replaced multiple times before by a multitude of people, mostly back in my elementary days. It hurts, to be so close to people and then grow apart from them. If I just make new friends to hang out with, that makes it easier for me and my old friends to grow apart. And everyone says, "Oh, that's life, people come and go." Excuse my language, but fuck that shit. I like the friends I have now and don't need new ones. Who I have now is good enough for me. That's why it's so hard to come to terms with everyone leaving and going out of town for college. Well, almost everyone. I've still got a small handful staying here. But most everyone's going. Which is good for them, since that's what they want to do. And it's not like I'm going to tell them to share my philosophy on not making new friends and replacing me. I just hope that, whatever happens, they don't forget about me, and don't find some other person to fill my spot since I'm not there. I know I should have more faith in people than that, but seriously, 95% of my friends are leaving and people always say "well you just kind of lose contact after high school." I know it's selfish, but I don't want that to happen to me again. I know life's unfair, but I've gone through enough of that crap for two lifetimes.

I don't expect anyone to understand. Also, this computer doesn't have spellcheck on the internet and I tend to type so fast that I mix up letters, so if that happens, just ignore it.

Freedom Ending

^I suffer from both 98% of the time.

Ah, another day with a bad start... More stressing about tomorrow. Driving there, trying not to forget anything, getting to places on time, the parking lot, what to do during my 3 hour long break, remembering to pack my lunch, hoping no one talks to me... the list goes on.

I really don't want to gooo. It'll be so much work and I just don't want to put any effort in. But I know I have to if I ever want enough money to survive when I pick a career. Oh, right, but I don't even know what career I'm picking. I could wind up in something as crappy as education and not even make enough money to survive when I have to pay for bills and things when I finally move out on my own. 

Basically, I hate the adult world. It's stupid. And I hate being forced into stupid things. I don't even know my insurance information or my own SSN. And I'm an adult? What? True, I only turned 18 end of last month (almost a month ago), but that doesn't matter. My age is a not-so-big 1-8 now, which means that everyone in the adult world expects me to know what I'm doing and be an adult. And, like I've said, I'm totally dependent and don't know how to do anything without there being someone there to hold my hand. It's not like I can just "learn" how. Um, what? Am I just supposed to magically know? No, I need someone to walk me through it and tell me what to do. I'm going to need mom's help setting up a doctor's appointment to look into my anxiety issues. I mean, I can go to the orthodontist on my own now and schedule my next appointment while I'm there... I've done that twice now. that's good enough, right?

On a brighter note, I decided to escape some of my stress today. I drove (a serious shocker) to my mom's house... At first I wanted her to pick me up, but she asked if I could drive there. I only agreed that it was fine because I knew where her house was. Actually, half of the route to get there is the same one I take to get to GCC. That, on top of multiple trips there where I had to drive while follower either her or grandma back when I was helping them move into the place, is the only reason I was okay driving there alone in my truck.

We watched some television and mom found a doctor we can call tomorrow to get an appointment scheduled for me. Let me tell you, I have no freakin' clue how calling doctors and stuff works. I still go to a child's dentist and a pediatrician. I've never made my own appointment (other than the orthodontist as of recent) in my life. After a few hours at my mom's house, I came home. No idea what I'm going to do now, really. Wait for tomorrow to happen so I can get it over with, I suppose.

Pray that no one talks to me. I don't want to deal with that stress on top of what's already built up.

The Last Saturday, Part 2

I was hoping that my day wouldn't be so terrible. That kind of backfired. All I can think about is how school starts on Monday, and that on top of other stuff is just making me not want to do anything. I don't want to start doing something fun and get all into it just to be ripped away from it every day starting Monday. Like, I don't even want to play video games, that's how bad today is.

And then I suddenly got tired in the middle of the day, but couldn't take a nap or anything. I need to wake up at 7:30 tomorrow morning and 7:00 on Monday, so I need to make sure I'll be tired enough to fall asleep tonight at 10:30-11:00. If I take a nap, I just won't be tired enough.

I have found my personal cure to insomnia. Most of the time, it works, but it only works for me because of the way I sleep; I dunno if anyone else has ever tried it. But I lay on my stomach and relax and get tired and comfortable. However, I cannot fall asleep on my stomach. I can only sleep when I'm on my sides. So after I've been laying on my stomach for like ten minutes, I flip over onto my right side, and all the pressure from laying on my stomach lifts and makes it easier to just sink into sleep without much effort. It's kind of hard to explain and I don't know why I'm even trying, but there you go.

Got my backpack for college today. It should be big enough to hold everything. I feel like I'm the only one out of everyone I know who is 100% not excited for school to start. I mean, I understand how everyone's excited that they're out of the house and living on their own independently (or at least the majority of my friends are now), and that's great and all, but just... the work. Oh, the work. I can't fuck up in college, and it's not okay to make mistakes there. I can't fail any classes because that's a huge waste of money and precious time since I need so many credits. Not that I've failed a class since my elementary school days, but still, it stresses me out. That, and the fact that I'm a completely responsible adult now. I can't rely on everyone else to help me anymore. I am completely honest when I say that I'm a very dependent person and would probably die if I was kicked out of my house tomorrow. 

Pleeeeease don't make me start school Monday. Yet, at the same time, I just want it to come already, because of this stupid "I don't want to do anything because school is coming" feeling. I'm going to have it tomorrow for sure, too. Might as well just skip tomorrow. Ugh. Everything sucks. 

The Last Saturday

Today is my last Saturday before I start college!

Definitely not looking forward to it. I've been getting up a little earlier and earlier each day. My first class on Monday is at 8, which means leaving at 7:30, which means waking up at 7. Today I woke up at 8. I guess tomorrow I have to wake up at 7:30. And on Monday, 7. It's going to suck waking up so early, but it has to be done.

I was excited for a little while, and that was last month sometime. Now I just have no desire to go at all. I know that in order to do well, it will require a lot of time, effort, and study. Things that a lazy and apathetic person like me is just not willing to give. Especially the effort and study part. I only had to have a pulse to complete high school with straight As. Anyone could do that without even trying. I rarely even had to try. And I certainly never studied, other than maybe cramming during lunch right before the test. But no, outside of short homework assignments, I never did anything for school outside of class. Certainly not "studying." And honestly I just don't think I'll be able to adjust. That, and my low self confidence, have lead me to believe that I'm just going to do poorly. Perhaps not. But if I don't do poorly, I'll certainly be miserable all the time.

I'm not one of the people who's going to go to parties and hang out with people and do whatever else typical college kids (especially freshman) like to do. Any spare time I have, I'm honestly probably just going to play video games or something. They said at orientation not to go directly home after classes; to join a club or something like that. Yeah, no. I'm going home. Homework alone is going to be too bothersome and take up too much time. I'm not wasting even more of my time on top of that associating with strangers. Oh, right, I mentioned xenophobia in my blog title. 

For the record, some people associate xenophobia as being racist. It's not. That is a huge, huge misuse of the word. Xenophobia is, simply put, a fear or strangers. I have xenophobia. I don't like talking to people I don't know, don't like being around them, don't like it when they talk to me, etc. etc. And it's not just that I don't like it. It's a fear. I know it's irrational; I'm perfectly aware. That's why it's a "phobia." I'm sure a lot of people (my dad) think it's stupid (like my dad) and say that I need to just grow up and get over it (which is what my dad said). What people (mostly my dad) don't understand is that it's not that simple. It literally cripples me. Sure, I put on a smile and go along with it and seem to be normal. But inside I just want to run away and not talk to them and be left alone or with people I already consider friends. It really makes me mad when people say that my fear is stupid. How would they feel if I said something like, "Well, you being afraid of fire is stupid," or "You being afraid of large dogs is stupid." or whatever the case might be. It's just something that annoys me. Thought I might mention it at least.

The Grocery Catastrophe

I've decided to start this blog so I can basically run it as a journal. I love journals, but I'm 300% faster at typing than I am with writing. What I can type in 10 minutes takes me an hour to write by hand. Plus, I figured that this way, my friends can take a look once in a while and know what I'm up to if they'd care enough to bother. It would be nice if we knew what was going on in each other's lives.

I guess I'll start off by talking about how I am right now. It's almost 10 PM, and I went to the store today with my dad and sister. I started getting cranky towards to end and wanted nothing else but to go home. I know why, but it's kind of stupid so I'm not going to say and hopefully I can just forget about it.

Anyways, my dad threw a huge fit when we got back to the car. We bought a couple of plastic drawers for me to use as a dresser since I only have a laundry basket to put all my clean clothes in... and I just got some new clothes, so that won't fit it all anymore. We also got groceries, and we got Kate a hamper. As soon as we got to the car, my dad literally started flipping out and overreacting when he realized we wouldn't be able to fit the drawers and hamper in the car along with the groceries--because he has a tiny car with a small trunk, and it's only a 2-door. 

The point is, he was freaking out like mad about a stupid little problem. Unlike me and Kate. We stayed calm, and just said we'd put them in the back seat and on our laps if we needed to. They fit. It all turned out fine. But damn, it was seriously embarrassing. Being in the parking lot with your dad screaming about how stupid we are for forgetting that his car is small... sure, it's a problem, but if you had seen the reaction, I think you'd just avoid eye contact and get the hell out of there. If we were all on a deserted island with no hope of help, he'd be the first to die. Of blood pressure problems. And he likes to think he's so cool and calm in those types of situations... and yet he flips out over a stupid thing like this?

It pissed me off. But it's not a big deal. I can't believe a dumb story like that made a post this long. Either way, that's pretty much all that happened today.