One of Those Days

A wonderful picture of Velyos I drew on Monday. Yeah, you won't get it.

We learned out next essay topic in English today. We'll be refuting someone else's essay. Seems easy enough--it's secondary instead of primary, so no research efforts needed. And I'm good at arguing, so this essay won't be as annoying... I'm still going to painstakingly make it perfect and stress out about it, though.

Not much else. We've been watching some movie, Stand and Deliver, in CPD... and I'm understanding what we're doing in math right now. The other day my math teacher saw me in the student union and waved hello to me. Don't ask why, but this now makes me feel obligated to pass math. So thank god I get what we're doing right now.

Today is one of those days where... I don't know. I don't like today right now. I'm in one of those moods where I'm depressed that everyone's gone. I watch TV, I look at people at school, and I realize... I'm all alone here. I have people I talk to at school, but I never talk to anyone outside of class or, for a certain few, facebook... I haven't done anything with friends because, well, I don't really have any close friends besides a few down here with me. Of course, they're going to be at school or work, and we never have time off together because of homework on top of that. It just makes me feel so alone. Everyone's enjoying college life and having a good time. Everyone but me. And every time I mention how much I hate college, I feel like I'm being a party pooper and ruining everyone's good fun. But honestly, I'm jealous that they're having a great time despite the work. I'm jealous of other people for being able to socialize and make friends and actually enjoy it. No matter how much ranting and complaining I do, I am most certainly not about to go somewhere and meet people. Partly because I'm a xenophobe, and partly because I don't want to replace my friends. I'm living in the past and wishing that all of us cold be together again, at Centennial. I don't like college, and I don't like where my life is going, and the future is so unclear. I hate it. It's so foggy and I don't know what's going to happen and I can't stand it. I do not like being spontaneous. I need a plan. And I don't have one. It's killing me.

I guess I'm just having a tough time. I don't know who I am right now because I don't know what my goal is. Just to graduate, I guess... But I don't know what I want to do. I have no idea how to live after that. My friends are going to branch out and move all over the country (most likely), and then we'll be torn even farther apart... I feel so selfish when I talk about it, but I just miss everyone and I don't want them to forget about me. It's happened before. The transition from Desert Harbor to Centennial was especially rough, and this one's been even worse. And after college? Damn...

They say that "you just lose touch after high school," and that "the friends you make in college will be your friends for life." Unfortunately, I do not have many friends (none at GCC, although I am friendly with a few people), and do not want any there. I don't like talking to people I don't know at all, so it's impossible for me. I just wish everything can go back to normal.

What makes me most upset is that people just don't get it. They either think this is just a phase or tell me to grow up. I am not going to grow up. I am going to stay exactly how the hell I am now. I wish everyone else would, too, but I know they won't, and I don't expect them to. I don't want to hold anyone back... but at the same time, I am not willing to step forward and move on. I don't like change, and I don't want it to happen. Again, I hate it when people tell me, "Well, it's going to happen whether you like it or not, so might as well accept it" or "Just deal with it." No. I will not. I will fight it and even though I'm going to lose, I will kick and scream and reject it until it overwhelms me and everything I've ever bottled up pours out. That's just the way I am.

I don't want to change, and I don't want my world to change. In high school, especially junior and senior years... I'd finally come to accept and really enjoy the majority of my life. I loved my friends, I loved school itself, and I was happy. I wasn't an adult and I didn't have any major responsibilities. And I could see my friends every day. My friends are literally my family. My family was torn apart, and it hurts. I never tell them, though. I don't want them to feel guilty for leaving. That's just absurd. It's not their fault. It's mine, for being so whiny. But...

I don't know.